The first of anything

I thought I'd write because this is the first day I took Becky the dog on the trail, and the first day I rode my own big young horse into the dam by myself. I always plan to do all these brave things at night before going to sleep, and then in the morning I realize I am nowhere near as brave as I pretend to be at night or as brave as my warm, safe bed makes me feel. But then today I just did it. To get to the trail, you have to walk a lot of the way in the beginning along a busy road. So I didn't bother even getting on Dewey, because Becky is not used to being walked by someone who is riding a giant horse, and Becky is not good at being walked if ANYTHING else interesting is going by, because she is a puppy. So I stayed on the ground to not be launched into the air when she she tried to dart forward at another dog, or at a squirrel, or at anything, and she is strong! I'm pretty sure she is why the horse magazines say never walk your dog while on your horse. It was good to take Becky, though, once we walked all the way to the tunnel and got into Hansen Dam (or Handsome Dan as my sister says) because it's always good to have a puppy around when you have a young horse and everything you're doing is new. I knew if I rode into the dam just by myself, I would be hyper aware of Dewey and all Iminent Disaster, but because I had to be a scout, and keep my eyes open for other dogs, other riders, keeping my eye on Becky and seeing how she would do out in the dam for the first time (no dam etiquette), it kept me from worrying about Dewey and weirdly, made everything okay. I did have to get on and off at first, when we saw runners, or other people with dogs, because I wanted to make sure Becky knew to not chase people, bark at people, run off, etc. Training. But it turns out if you have a pocketful of ham, dogs come running right back when you call them. I was flinging ham all over that trail, and Becky was my trained seal. She did bark at a few people (she didn't know any better), but mostly she trotted along a little in front of us, and kept stopping and coming back - she knew she was a team with me and Dew. She was so exemplary, really, for a first time trail pup. And she eased my nerves because Dewey just followed along behind her, and enjoyed her company too. Plus he liked that I kept getting off because he got to stand there which is his favorite thing to do. We splashed through two creeks, and at one point when Becky obviously started worrying that we were nowhere near home, she started whining a little like what the hell, when is this going to be over? But then she settled back down, we went over a small mountain on a detour home, and then suddenly we were back. 2 hrs and 15 mins. We walked and trotted around the lake, we started in the mist, and ended up sweating in the sun. Everyone safe and sound. Happy, and having done the hardest thing. The first try.

Chicken Tag Team

So I got a rooster and a hen from a lady who drove them here from Encino, unboxed, in the back seat of her 75,000 dollar Mercedes. I have a hen on the nest, waiting to hatch an egg. If any chicken will please give her a fertile egg. I wait two days for this new hen to give it up, she just stares at me, stalwart. I give up two nights of rooster crowing at 4 a.m. Time to get up. What exactly do you need to DO at 4, rooster? The fertile hen finally lays because, biologically, she can't help it and her body wins the battle. I grab the egg and stick it under the hot hen who is sitting there on the waiting nest. Wanting a baby. Because it's something she knows she can do, without anyone telling her. I like this version of family. I can help here. You do that. Everyone works together. 21 days, we'll see who hatches.

Just Keep Riding

So Dewey and I have a pact. He doesn't buck me off, and I spend time riding so to avoid housework. So far, if I give him exercise every day, I know his mood, can count on his assistance, and he is a stellar buddy. I do have to make sure he gets variety - get him out next to the street to see cars, bikes, trucks, joggers, plastic bags, dogs, and he has been readjusting after a few months of only riding in my neighbor's quiet, sequestered arena. He really doesn't try to boss me around much at all, but I do see in my tiny learning curve, that the more I take control, the better a horse he is. He is maturing into a fine boy. I just have to find that boring trail buddy so I can stick kids on and ride out together. But maybe I had to get comfortable again just on him, so I would have a clear enough mind to then add another horse and my precious kids on top of that horse. Has to be a pretty spectacularly good horse. Hopefully we'll find a nice one. As I work him more at a faster trot and canter and back and forth between those gaits, he's started tipping his head up weirdly, I think to anticipate the canter. So I'm working him through it but going to have his teeth checked to make sure it's not a pain issue. He seems okay if I turn him into a circle, he'll drop his head back down. But I'm gonna see if it's behavioral or medical.

Fat Fingers Unite

Two bunnies can make 11 bunnies in a really short period of time. It's a good thing there are alot of families at gymnastics with young kids who want bunnies. Otherwise we'd be eating alot of rabbit stew and having some really nice fuzzy slippers. Hey, 2nd time on close trail by myself with Dewey. Been working in the arena mostly, and developing awesomely strong upper legs, deep seat and trying to relax. I'm going back out on the big trail on Thurs, with company. First time since the summer of unfortunate events. I feel like my body seems in a strong and secure place, I hope Dewey will behave himself and we can get back to boring trail rides. He's going to be 6 soon. I still have at least another year of him being an occasional teenage idiot. Mostly everything seems to be breathing and keep going, don't quit. Saw a really pushy and obnoxious Fjord pony that I thought I wanted to bring home for the kids until I saw how pushy and obnoxious she was. Sigh. She is free. But she seems like a spaz and I can't handle that. I really don't want another horse. But I do want the kids to ride with me, I'm ready to have company. I want it to just happen easily. Working on my Momish outline. Screenplay or novel? Hopefully it'll just write itself and I can sit by watching and eating nutella. Life on the homefront. Bad cold. Haven't been studying for CBEST which I will get back to. By the way, since my ring finger was the broken one, I went to a guy next to gymnastics, a jeweler, who never seems to be there and when he opens his door it smells like cigars and whiskey - anyway, my engagement ring won't fit over my fat broken finger so I went to him to see if he could enlarge it. So he said no problem - no charge, even - and then escorts me to his little glass display case which has like three rings in it and maybe a dead body underneath - he seems so mafia. He sizes the ring, it's like a size 5 and then he sizes my finger as it is now and he's like "oh my god, it's like a man's size." I'm like, hey, never say this to a chick. And yes, my finger is a whopping size 10 now. Then he says "You should get a doctor to look at that." I'm like um, yeah, I've had surgery. I've had alot of doctors all over that finger, can you f*#cking fix the ring or not?? The guy starts pulling out necklace chain and saying you should wear that ring on a chain, aint no way it's going to stretch from 5 to 10. I tell him (coldly, though he's so drunk he doesn't notice) that I DETEST chains, and if I wore one it would be really long like all the way to my ankles, because otherwise I feel strangled. Ever since having kids, I can't even have my clothes touching me too tightly, I'm suffocating, trapped, the kids are okay but I want everything else OFF. He says well, I can do, how you say, you know, they fix the heart, the the the oh, the bypass. (huh?) He says he can cut off the back of the ring and fit another band on the back like a bypass. Bypass around the huge finger. But he kind of laughs and says it will not look the same. On accounta you're a freak, he's saying. Okay, well, I'm backing out now, thanks. Thanks for everything. I'll think about it. So my ring is still in my wallet where the change is supposed to go. So we're still waiting to do the bypass, when I can find a jeweler that isn't drunk and who finds my fattish finger adorable. In the meantime, I ordered an 11 dollar wedding ring online and it's a size 11. It's too big, I found it in the hay bin outside yesterday where it must've slid off. But it doesn't choke me. Barry broke his finger a few years ago when Nigel dropped the diving board they were carrying and Barry fell in the pool. His finger is also a fat sized 11. We were meant to be. I'm ordering his ring right now. Fat fingers unite.

Large

It's been 5 months since I broke my finger riding (or not riding, no - riding - broke my own finger trying to stay on). In a weird way, the work I've had to do to ride him again has made me learn so much about how I ride, to strengthen my seat, to visualize my body as a rubber band that stretches from head to toe and fingertip to toe. Elastic and very flexible. Also I'm figuring out how to weigh my body like an anchor dragging below my feet. When I visualize my weight dropped down, my position lightens on the top of Dewey, and my whole body boings up straighter, and Dewey in response (it must feel better to him), lowers his head in relaxation. Then I have to remind myself not to grip but to breathe, loosen, grow. Then look around and not think. Then do it all over again. "Centered Riding" (my bible) has helped me so much just to know where the hell to put my feet. So my sitting trot is getting really solid, my legs are actually on the horse, and he gives me a strong contact with the rein, which I didn't know what to do with, so I am now realizes he's asking me to position his head and then we have a communication that we both hold on to - I gently support him, he moves forward like a piston from his back legs, and I harness all the energy from behind and turn it into a circle, like rolling a big ball of dough. Then he's comfy and I'm comfy and we are a strong team. So this I have learned, while still having slight terror every time I get on, takes me abt 5 minutes to breathe and stretch and relive the falling off, and hear myself say those accidents were young horse problems. Pole tangled in the legs, bucking to get rid of it, young horse who is not used to being tangled. (what horse is used to that? But at least he is more used to working every day and sometimes having things bother him - and still working. He is smart - he would rather find something to stop him from working, if I let him.) The other bucking accident was a result of not exercising him everyday. Young horse yippee moment. No one could ride that. It was like riding a dolphin flipping into the air and no water to land in. So the way to get through it has been consistent, regular exercise (to get over anxiety), which also builds our team way better, and gives me security and strong legs, seat and spirit. At night I think I can't wait to go back on the trail, but in the morning I just keep doing arena until I'm so ready and he's so solid - and then I will go with company so I can just enjoy it. I have kids depending on me, so I have to do things slower and safer than if I was a 16 yr old girl. Dewey, luckily, doesn't care what we do - he's happy to have carrots and to be treated fairly. He's shaping up into a really nice horse. Can't wait til he's fully outgrown the teenager phase and will just be dumpy and boring totally. Going to look at a Fjord mare who's 20. Wish I could get the 9 yr old Fjord gelding in Tahoe, but he's expensive. We'll see if this old mare would be good for beginners to just ride alongside me. The partnership is really interesting. I like building something and communicating with Dewey and learning a skill. I am hoping to keep riding, maybe substitute teach, then get my masters, teach online and ride and keep getting my writing out there, while I raise these kids. And go to the movies with B sometimes would be really nice. Even though I'm not making money, and maybe once I teach or publish more I will be making a little but not boatloads - even though, I feel like I'm doing what I was put here to do. I'm being a mom, nurturing good, strong spirits, I'm riding and learning all I can about that, and I'm writing and speaking to people with a funny, warm (hopefully) voice. I'm still learning about how to be vulnerable in a relationship, that's hard. I'm not as elastic. But I'm learning from riding, that mostly what you get good at is stuff you do over and over, even if you don't know what you're doing. You can learn from it. So I can work on my relationships, and my sitting trot. That's the part I'm on now - where do my legs go, am I doing to right, hey I am one long person and my body is capable of so much more connection than I thought. Hmm. I've spent so much time trying to scramble AWAY from myself. At least in the saddle, I'm learning to throw myself DOWN. Allow contact. Allow yourself to stick. Really lucky to have the life I have. As I read in a book recently, "this life is big enough for me."

Momish

I officially started writing "Momish," the Movie. Well, okay, it's an outline, but it's a sequel to my book, "Somebody's Always Hungry." That book ended with my 3rd baby born. This one starts with wanting to get the hell out, now that the kids have opinions and can argue. I guess it's the midsection, the totally conflict ridden years. I don't enjoy conflict. I don't even like ripples in the pool. Smooth sailing. Yet that doesn't happen with 3 kids, and maybe that doesn't happen ANYWHERE. That's what's funny. Trying to get away from conflict. Outrun it. So we'll see where this gets me. Perhaps it's my life work, as viewed from above. Three novels/pieces about motherhood, beginning middle and end. Then end book I hope is going to be the one where I cry the most. Because I survived it all, and everyone's happy. That's the part I want to see.

Bombproofing Myself

I walked out of County USC hospital on Thursday, pretty much finished with my broken finger situation. I was crying, saying to myself, I never want to come here again. I can never ride again. I have to find something I can do that isn't riding. The doc said my bone is healed, but my finger is a little crooked and it overlaps my pinky. Oh, and it's still stiff. The doctor said it might always be that way, and I can come back in 2 months after a little more strengthening with Occupational Therapy, and if it's still bothering me, they can do another surgery and cut the bone. Oh HELL NO! I did not say, but oh HEll no. I can type and play piano, I'm gonna consider myself saved. So I felt like shit all the way home, my riding life is over, and then I got home, went to the barn, saddled up the horse, went over to the neighbor's arena, lunged him to make sure he was listening and not silly, and then climbed back on. Just did little circles while saying, filled with fear, "just doing little circles!!" and then got off after 5 mins. Put him away. First ride post-accident, down. A success. Worked with him on the ground the next two days, then back up in the saddle today. After lunging. More walking, circles, practicing one-rein stop at the walk. Practiced breathing, and using my seat to cue him to stop, sitting deep in the saddle. So I can strengthen my seat and keep myself safe in case of a bucking incident again. Dewey, of course, has no idea what's going on. He's a perfect angel. Just stops, peeks his head around looking for carrots. Was really being an excellent boy. Trotted a little bit. Walked more, then got off. Another successful ride. That's TWO. My goal was to relax, just stay on, no drama. I didn't mention that I packed my pants with foam and wore an endurance rider's vest. My pants looked like beachballs. But I don't care. If I fall, I'm going to land softly, and I'm not going to do any rein pulling in the future, that's my new goal. So it is good to get back on. I am insane. But I'm a careful insane. He's the horse I have. I have been desensitizing him to everything - can now approach him and rub him all over with a big pool noodle. I was hula hooping next to him yesterday and holding out a carrot, and after regarding me with doubt for a few minutes, he came over and ate it and then watched me hula hoop the whole time. So see, good stomach muscles AND desensitizing. I want to have as few surprises as I can have, and be as relaxed as I can be. Hoping to get this Fjord buddy horse I have my eye on. If I can ride with a friend or my kids, that would be the greatest thing ever.