Bombproofing Myself

I walked out of County USC hospital on Thursday, pretty much finished with my broken finger situation. I was crying, saying to myself, I never want to come here again. I can never ride again. I have to find something I can do that isn't riding. The doc said my bone is healed, but my finger is a little crooked and it overlaps my pinky. Oh, and it's still stiff. The doctor said it might always be that way, and I can come back in 2 months after a little more strengthening with Occupational Therapy, and if it's still bothering me, they can do another surgery and cut the bone. Oh HELL NO! I did not say, but oh HEll no. I can type and play piano, I'm gonna consider myself saved. So I felt like shit all the way home, my riding life is over, and then I got home, went to the barn, saddled up the horse, went over to the neighbor's arena, lunged him to make sure he was listening and not silly, and then climbed back on. Just did little circles while saying, filled with fear, "just doing little circles!!" and then got off after 5 mins. Put him away. First ride post-accident, down. A success. Worked with him on the ground the next two days, then back up in the saddle today. After lunging. More walking, circles, practicing one-rein stop at the walk. Practiced breathing, and using my seat to cue him to stop, sitting deep in the saddle. So I can strengthen my seat and keep myself safe in case of a bucking incident again. Dewey, of course, has no idea what's going on. He's a perfect angel. Just stops, peeks his head around looking for carrots. Was really being an excellent boy. Trotted a little bit. Walked more, then got off. Another successful ride. That's TWO. My goal was to relax, just stay on, no drama. I didn't mention that I packed my pants with foam and wore an endurance rider's vest. My pants looked like beachballs. But I don't care. If I fall, I'm going to land softly, and I'm not going to do any rein pulling in the future, that's my new goal. So it is good to get back on. I am insane. But I'm a careful insane. He's the horse I have. I have been desensitizing him to everything - can now approach him and rub him all over with a big pool noodle. I was hula hooping next to him yesterday and holding out a carrot, and after regarding me with doubt for a few minutes, he came over and ate it and then watched me hula hoop the whole time. So see, good stomach muscles AND desensitizing. I want to have as few surprises as I can have, and be as relaxed as I can be. Hoping to get this Fjord buddy horse I have my eye on. If I can ride with a friend or my kids, that would be the greatest thing ever.