Fat Fingers Unite

Two bunnies can make 11 bunnies in a really short period of time. It's a good thing there are alot of families at gymnastics with young kids who want bunnies. Otherwise we'd be eating alot of rabbit stew and having some really nice fuzzy slippers. Hey, 2nd time on close trail by myself with Dewey. Been working in the arena mostly, and developing awesomely strong upper legs, deep seat and trying to relax. I'm going back out on the big trail on Thurs, with company. First time since the summer of unfortunate events. I feel like my body seems in a strong and secure place, I hope Dewey will behave himself and we can get back to boring trail rides. He's going to be 6 soon. I still have at least another year of him being an occasional teenage idiot. Mostly everything seems to be breathing and keep going, don't quit. Saw a really pushy and obnoxious Fjord pony that I thought I wanted to bring home for the kids until I saw how pushy and obnoxious she was. Sigh. She is free. But she seems like a spaz and I can't handle that. I really don't want another horse. But I do want the kids to ride with me, I'm ready to have company. I want it to just happen easily. Working on my Momish outline. Screenplay or novel? Hopefully it'll just write itself and I can sit by watching and eating nutella. Life on the homefront. Bad cold. Haven't been studying for CBEST which I will get back to. By the way, since my ring finger was the broken one, I went to a guy next to gymnastics, a jeweler, who never seems to be there and when he opens his door it smells like cigars and whiskey - anyway, my engagement ring won't fit over my fat broken finger so I went to him to see if he could enlarge it. So he said no problem - no charge, even - and then escorts me to his little glass display case which has like three rings in it and maybe a dead body underneath - he seems so mafia. He sizes the ring, it's like a size 5 and then he sizes my finger as it is now and he's like "oh my god, it's like a man's size." I'm like, hey, never say this to a chick. And yes, my finger is a whopping size 10 now. Then he says "You should get a doctor to look at that." I'm like um, yeah, I've had surgery. I've had alot of doctors all over that finger, can you f*#cking fix the ring or not?? The guy starts pulling out necklace chain and saying you should wear that ring on a chain, aint no way it's going to stretch from 5 to 10. I tell him (coldly, though he's so drunk he doesn't notice) that I DETEST chains, and if I wore one it would be really long like all the way to my ankles, because otherwise I feel strangled. Ever since having kids, I can't even have my clothes touching me too tightly, I'm suffocating, trapped, the kids are okay but I want everything else OFF. He says well, I can do, how you say, you know, they fix the heart, the the the oh, the bypass. (huh?) He says he can cut off the back of the ring and fit another band on the back like a bypass. Bypass around the huge finger. But he kind of laughs and says it will not look the same. On accounta you're a freak, he's saying. Okay, well, I'm backing out now, thanks. Thanks for everything. I'll think about it. So my ring is still in my wallet where the change is supposed to go. So we're still waiting to do the bypass, when I can find a jeweler that isn't drunk and who finds my fattish finger adorable. In the meantime, I ordered an 11 dollar wedding ring online and it's a size 11. It's too big, I found it in the hay bin outside yesterday where it must've slid off. But it doesn't choke me. Barry broke his finger a few years ago when Nigel dropped the diving board they were carrying and Barry fell in the pool. His finger is also a fat sized 11. We were meant to be. I'm ordering his ring right now. Fat fingers unite.

Large

It's been 5 months since I broke my finger riding (or not riding, no - riding - broke my own finger trying to stay on). In a weird way, the work I've had to do to ride him again has made me learn so much about how I ride, to strengthen my seat, to visualize my body as a rubber band that stretches from head to toe and fingertip to toe. Elastic and very flexible. Also I'm figuring out how to weigh my body like an anchor dragging below my feet. When I visualize my weight dropped down, my position lightens on the top of Dewey, and my whole body boings up straighter, and Dewey in response (it must feel better to him), lowers his head in relaxation. Then I have to remind myself not to grip but to breathe, loosen, grow. Then look around and not think. Then do it all over again. "Centered Riding" (my bible) has helped me so much just to know where the hell to put my feet. So my sitting trot is getting really solid, my legs are actually on the horse, and he gives me a strong contact with the rein, which I didn't know what to do with, so I am now realizes he's asking me to position his head and then we have a communication that we both hold on to - I gently support him, he moves forward like a piston from his back legs, and I harness all the energy from behind and turn it into a circle, like rolling a big ball of dough. Then he's comfy and I'm comfy and we are a strong team. So this I have learned, while still having slight terror every time I get on, takes me abt 5 minutes to breathe and stretch and relive the falling off, and hear myself say those accidents were young horse problems. Pole tangled in the legs, bucking to get rid of it, young horse who is not used to being tangled. (what horse is used to that? But at least he is more used to working every day and sometimes having things bother him - and still working. He is smart - he would rather find something to stop him from working, if I let him.) The other bucking accident was a result of not exercising him everyday. Young horse yippee moment. No one could ride that. It was like riding a dolphin flipping into the air and no water to land in. So the way to get through it has been consistent, regular exercise (to get over anxiety), which also builds our team way better, and gives me security and strong legs, seat and spirit. At night I think I can't wait to go back on the trail, but in the morning I just keep doing arena until I'm so ready and he's so solid - and then I will go with company so I can just enjoy it. I have kids depending on me, so I have to do things slower and safer than if I was a 16 yr old girl. Dewey, luckily, doesn't care what we do - he's happy to have carrots and to be treated fairly. He's shaping up into a really nice horse. Can't wait til he's fully outgrown the teenager phase and will just be dumpy and boring totally. Going to look at a Fjord mare who's 20. Wish I could get the 9 yr old Fjord gelding in Tahoe, but he's expensive. We'll see if this old mare would be good for beginners to just ride alongside me. The partnership is really interesting. I like building something and communicating with Dewey and learning a skill. I am hoping to keep riding, maybe substitute teach, then get my masters, teach online and ride and keep getting my writing out there, while I raise these kids. And go to the movies with B sometimes would be really nice. Even though I'm not making money, and maybe once I teach or publish more I will be making a little but not boatloads - even though, I feel like I'm doing what I was put here to do. I'm being a mom, nurturing good, strong spirits, I'm riding and learning all I can about that, and I'm writing and speaking to people with a funny, warm (hopefully) voice. I'm still learning about how to be vulnerable in a relationship, that's hard. I'm not as elastic. But I'm learning from riding, that mostly what you get good at is stuff you do over and over, even if you don't know what you're doing. You can learn from it. So I can work on my relationships, and my sitting trot. That's the part I'm on now - where do my legs go, am I doing to right, hey I am one long person and my body is capable of so much more connection than I thought. Hmm. I've spent so much time trying to scramble AWAY from myself. At least in the saddle, I'm learning to throw myself DOWN. Allow contact. Allow yourself to stick. Really lucky to have the life I have. As I read in a book recently, "this life is big enough for me."