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It's been 5 months since I broke my finger riding (or not riding, no - riding - broke my own finger trying to stay on). In a weird way, the work I've had to do to ride him again has made me learn so much about how I ride, to strengthen my seat, to visualize my body as a rubber band that stretches from head to toe and fingertip to toe. Elastic and very flexible. Also I'm figuring out how to weigh my body like an anchor dragging below my feet. When I visualize my weight dropped down, my position lightens on the top of Dewey, and my whole body boings up straighter, and Dewey in response (it must feel better to him), lowers his head in relaxation. Then I have to remind myself not to grip but to breathe, loosen, grow. Then look around and not think. Then do it all over again. "Centered Riding" (my bible) has helped me so much just to know where the hell to put my feet. So my sitting trot is getting really solid, my legs are actually on the horse, and he gives me a strong contact with the rein, which I didn't know what to do with, so I am now realizes he's asking me to position his head and then we have a communication that we both hold on to - I gently support him, he moves forward like a piston from his back legs, and I harness all the energy from behind and turn it into a circle, like rolling a big ball of dough. Then he's comfy and I'm comfy and we are a strong team. So this I have learned, while still having slight terror every time I get on, takes me abt 5 minutes to breathe and stretch and relive the falling off, and hear myself say those accidents were young horse problems. Pole tangled in the legs, bucking to get rid of it, young horse who is not used to being tangled. (what horse is used to that? But at least he is more used to working every day and sometimes having things bother him - and still working. He is smart - he would rather find something to stop him from working, if I let him.) The other bucking accident was a result of not exercising him everyday. Young horse yippee moment. No one could ride that. It was like riding a dolphin flipping into the air and no water to land in. So the way to get through it has been consistent, regular exercise (to get over anxiety), which also builds our team way better, and gives me security and strong legs, seat and spirit. At night I think I can't wait to go back on the trail, but in the morning I just keep doing arena until I'm so ready and he's so solid - and then I will go with company so I can just enjoy it. I have kids depending on me, so I have to do things slower and safer than if I was a 16 yr old girl. Dewey, luckily, doesn't care what we do - he's happy to have carrots and to be treated fairly. He's shaping up into a really nice horse. Can't wait til he's fully outgrown the teenager phase and will just be dumpy and boring totally. Going to look at a Fjord mare who's 20. Wish I could get the 9 yr old Fjord gelding in Tahoe, but he's expensive. We'll see if this old mare would be good for beginners to just ride alongside me. The partnership is really interesting. I like building something and communicating with Dewey and learning a skill. I am hoping to keep riding, maybe substitute teach, then get my masters, teach online and ride and keep getting my writing out there, while I raise these kids. And go to the movies with B sometimes would be really nice. Even though I'm not making money, and maybe once I teach or publish more I will be making a little but not boatloads - even though, I feel like I'm doing what I was put here to do. I'm being a mom, nurturing good, strong spirits, I'm riding and learning all I can about that, and I'm writing and speaking to people with a funny, warm (hopefully) voice. I'm still learning about how to be vulnerable in a relationship, that's hard. I'm not as elastic. But I'm learning from riding, that mostly what you get good at is stuff you do over and over, even if you don't know what you're doing. You can learn from it. So I can work on my relationships, and my sitting trot. That's the part I'm on now - where do my legs go, am I doing to right, hey I am one long person and my body is capable of so much more connection than I thought. Hmm. I've spent so much time trying to scramble AWAY from myself. At least in the saddle, I'm learning to throw myself DOWN. Allow contact. Allow yourself to stick. Really lucky to have the life I have. As I read in a book recently, "this life is big enough for me."