The Story of Maggie

Even though Maggie was a PMU mare, I never thought of her as Rescue Horse. The same as I never thought of my nutty feral dog as anything other than, Well, He's Our Dog Now. Maggie was just a fat horse that needed a home, and untrained and needy was all I could afford. I knew I could offer a few good things - humor, a family, love and experience. I'd been riding for other people since I sold my horse in my 20's. I wanted a horse to bond with. When I got Maggie the draft cross PMU mare from Colorado a year ago, she was 10 years old and had been ridden about 6 times in an arena. I had put up an ad on Dreamhorse looking for a "short, fat, slow family horse." A lady in Colorado named Amy responded to my ad. She had bought 3 mares from a rescue there, and when she was leaving, the lady had said "here, take these two also, please!" That was my mare, and another mare, they were named Mary Ann and Ginger. I always look for drafts for my neighbor's carriage company, she rents riding horses and carriages, and she always needs fat horses to carry her fat riders (people are getting fatter, she says). So I told my neighbor about these two horses in Colorado, and she said "Get them!" I said, "Wait, I want one! Maybe!" So we worked it out that I'd try out one, and if it was too difficult or I couldn't keep her, my neighbor would take her. Amy in Colorado was going to give us the mares. We would just have to pay the shipping cost. She told me the smaller one was bolder, more curious. I decided that was the one I wanted, since we had adopted a feral dog 9 years ago who was shy and I didn't want another shy animal. The bold horse was 16 hands, had rock solid hooves, weighed about 1600 pounds, and had been a pregnant mare for maybe six years while they harvested her pregnant mare urine (PMU) to make Premarin, a hormone replacement for women. So she stood in a stall for many months out of the year, with a bag to catch her urine, and in the spring she was let out to have her foal, frolic for the summer, and then have her foal taken, impregnated again and put back on the pee line. Maggie (or Mary Ann, formerly) was used to being handled like livestock - herded into the barn, put into a chute twice a year that held her still to have her feet trimmed and get vaccinated. She was used to people working around her rear end. Amy had Maggie for a year, just in the pasture with her other horses, before I came along. She had never intended to keep her, just kept her on 30 beautiful acres in rural Colorado with her other horses. Maggie was second in command there, so she wasn't the total leader. While Amy had her, she gave her one bath - Maggie was nervous of the hose. She hadn't had her feet done. She'd had her shots and been wormed. They had tried her out in the arena a few times, but she was hard to bridle because she hadn't been trained to bridle yet. She had never had her own person. When we got her, Amy said I'd probably have to have her sedated to do her feet. But she said to do a little bit each day, just touch her feet, use a rope to lift them, eventually lift them with your hands. When I got Maggie, I just decided to start from the very beginning. Handle her gently, introduce the bit and bridle, groom her every day, work with her feet, take her on walks. The only reason I stuck with it was because Amy said, "Aww, she only needs a couple of wet saddleblankets. She'll be okay." Meaning, a few trail rides where she sweated, she'd get used to it. I had never had a green horse before. I had ridden for 35 years, but all the horses I had ridden were easy, trained. It was sheer ignorant optimism that kept me going. And the free help of a local girl trainer, who appeared after 6 months, just when I felt like giving up. The trainer guided me into the arena, suggesting a few days a week for me to work her there, to shape Maggie. Also, to be strong. And to have courage. And it made all the difference. I have taught Maggie: To bridle and saddle. To stand still while mounting. To stand for the hose and be washed. To allow the hose near her face, and to be washed on her face. To wear a fly mask. To pick up all her feet and have the trimmer work on her feet. To turn with direct rein pressure, right and left, and back up. To stop, walk, trot and canter from voice command and leg cues. To bend left and right from leg pressure. (if sluggishly counts) To walk next to busy streets and traffic, bikes, kids, strollers, lawn mowers, trash trucks, motorcycles, joggers. To go out on the trail without balking. To open and close gates. To ride with a horse buddy on the trail. To be harnessed and ground driven. To pull a tire and shafts. And most importantly, when Maggie first came, she wouldn't eat apples or carrots. She didn't even know what that was. We would cover them in molasses, and she would lick the molasses off and spit out the carrot or apple. She had never had a treat. I am happy to say that Maggie is a complete pig now. She loves donuts, granola bars, potato chips, oatmeal cookies, (any cookies), pizza crusts - and she loves pears, apples and carrots. She loves her family. Because we have food. We are still working with her - my trainer friend (whom we see once a month, happily) and I. This year I'm hoping Maggie will: Reduce her bolting to rare or never Be quiet enough to teach the kids to ride Stand tied Canter on trail Pull the cart safely I'll continue to improve with her manners - she used to bolt forward, or turn and run if she was scared of something. She now will raise her head and stop like a rock. I have to keep her moving forward, and have a strong leg and hand to remind her that bolting is not an option. Her bolting is maybe a ride in a new place, and once a month if we ride in familiar places. And her bolting is very small - three steps, and I turn her and she stops. Luckily, she's lazy. She is now 90% trustworthy. I'm hoping to get her to 99% at the end of another year. I don't know if she'll be easy enough for the kids to ride her -alone, I mean. (She's fine in the backyard when they get on her. I'm just cautious.) She's pretty strong. But a beginner adult is fine, with supervision. She has room to settle and grow this year, now that the basics are pretty routine in her head. She has about 10% of her own stubborn opinions, but she will listen if you guide her away from her usually bad ideas. She is a horse that, once she learns what you want, she wants to do it for you. She doesn't buck or rear, or bite or kick. I haven't taught her to tie, yet. I should, I've just never had to tie her. When I saddle or unsaddle her, or do her feet, or wash her, she's just so happy just to stand there. There's nowhere else she wants to be. The biggest thing I've learned, is if you know how hard something is going to be, you'd never start it. It's an impossible job, if you're a rider that's had confidence shaken by a bad fall and an injury. But Maggie has made me a tougher rider. I'm not sure what I've done for her, but I'm just glad she's let me make mistakes, and has still been there every day, funny, mellow, and curious, to start again.

Regular Old Horse

My friends Lisa and Katie with Maggie. This is my first actual post in Maggie's official blog. Maggie has had almost a year in the saddle. The more I stretch her to see new things, the stronger a rider I become, the better and gentler she becomes. It's really training for my mind, and Maggie's obedience. The rest is just cars going by and obstacles. It's totally like a video game, if I played those kinds of things. (That would probably be cheaper.) Anyway, if you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. I'm going to try and find PMU sites to link to this blog, so other people can see the ups and downs of working with a young draft cross mare. Getting to go on trail rides with a buddy this last week has really opened up the world for me and Mags. She will be a regular old horse if I keep showing her new things, and she can take it all in.

See, Everything's Okay

Thursday, August 23, 2012 See, Everything's Okay 3rd day trail riding with a buddy. All it seems to be is getting over fear. Doing it when your feet are dragging. The Dread Factor. We've been out twice with Beth, who's a psychologist, and thank God for that because now I'll be getting free therapy for fear issues. Beth brings a whole first aid kit with her and wears a whistle around her neck. I'm going to be taking her with me everywhere. Luckily, she put up with me saying, "Um, I can only go for a short ride, and I have to be able to turn around if it's too nervewracking. Also, let's not stop to look around because if Maggie's feet stop, there's a better chance she'll look around for things to freak out about. And I promise I won't always be so psycho." To all that, Beth said, "Sure." So I dragged out to take Mags out this morning, going on a new trail by the Hansen Dam golf course, and I tried to stop thinking, just tacked her up and did everything like I would any other day. I just got myself out there. Beth was already out halfway to our house by the time Maggie and I got out, and we walked the entire way together. Up, into the dam, into a tunnel, over a hill, alongside golf course and next to joggers. Maggie, on her second day with this new horse buddy, just walked along happily. Once she realized that all she had to do was walk along and occasionally smell piles of horse poop, and nothing popped out at us, she just plodded along. Every step we took was a step deeper into confidence. So we made it back, without any drama, in an hour and a half, which turns out to be a half hour longer than my hips can handle on her width. Back at home, I stopped her to get off and I couldn't figure out how to get my leg out of cowboy position. I was like a wishbone, implanted onto her back. But now the anxiety is less, I have a new trail friend, and Mags has the chance to become a well-rounded horse, by seeing new things and having new scenary. I like the rides where nothing happens. I like the rides that give you a glimmer of See, Everything's Okay.

Carving a Path

Friday, August 17, 2012 Carving a Path The Mags and I went on an awfully big adventure, as they say in Peter Pan, today. When I first got Mags last year at this time, this neighbor pulled over when she saw us walking by on the road by the school, and yelled out the window "Is that a PMU??" She had rescued one a few years ago. Her name was Raquel and she had dyed black hair and every other word was a cuss word and I thought she's either a hairdresser or from New York, and it turns out she's a hairdresser. I liked her right away, because she was so foul-mouthed and funny. Anyway, now it's a year later, and I kept in touch with her and finally, with the kids in school, I had a free morning and a year's worth of work and riding with Maggie, I was ready to take her on the trail out in Hansen Dam with Raquel. Maybe this is the same with anything in life, but riding Mags up the road we always ride on is easy. Veering off the road into a new area, there could be coyotes. Scary cars. Loose dogs. What if Raquel is insane? What if I end up in a ditch? My hair all hacked off in some brutal, yet stylish way? I get to the feed store, which is already a block further than Maggie and I ever go, so I'm already on alert. I see someone riding toward me but it looks like a man, so I think, oh great, this is going to be the day I find out that Raquel is someone who never shows up. But as the rider gets closer, I realize it's her, not a man, and in fact she doesn't look like a man at all, and I should probably wear my glasses. And she doesn't seem as ballsy as she did in the car that day a year ago, she seems smart, level-headed, safe, funny and honest. She's 53, so I think of someone with that high a number as like my mom or something, even though she's only 7 years older than I am. We talk about the basics first, which is #1 riding accidents - she broke her back a few years ago, and I got bucked off and broke my hand. So we are more cautious riders now, this is good. Maggie likes her dark horse I'll call Ray Charles, who looks like an anorexic ice skater next to my sumo wrestler. They sniff noses, and Maggie nibbles his lip while looking away like, "Okay. You're cool." We cross down McBroom Street, and then under the tunnel, which we've only done once, with Nigel, months ago. Out into open territory, Maggie's head is up, she's a bold horse, she would pick a fight on the schoolyard, or run away if the person looked too scary, those are her two defense modes. When you go through the tunnel, you cross the entrance to the top of Hansen Dam where all these people are biking and jogging. As we crossed down the trail near the dam, Maggie did not enjoy the joggers up on the Dam ridge above us and next to us, they were like movement, far up, that she interpreted as Possible Danger. Keep Note of It. If we were alone, Maggie would have stopped and run away, or given me all sorts of balking trouble. But because she had the mellow Ray Charles horse next to us, she didn't run. Her horse brain decided, well, if he's okay, I'm not happy with all that movement, but this skinny dude here seems to think it's okay, so I'll just stay next to him, but I'm unna keep my left eye on that movement, if you don't mind. We get around a bend and then we aren't anywhere we've ridden before. This is scary. As Sally Ride, the chick astronaut, says, "All adventures, especially into new territory, are scary." We are on sand, and there is desert wildlife everywhere - scrubby plants, and wide open sky, and a small mountain to our right. Then we're going down a path and it's starting to feel cooler, and then we're in trees. Then it's like being back in Maryland a little bit, because there is only the trees, and the path, and the horse in front of us. And then a stream is right there, flowing and wet and beautiful, or it would be beautiful if I could relax, but Maggie's never seen a stream with a rider on her, what is she going to do, and why does it have to be ME on her, but the other horse stops for a drink, and Maggie stops for a drink, and then we cross the water, and she loves the water, it isn't scary, it feels good, so we keep walking, and up ahead is a deeper stream, slower moving, and we head through that one, and I have to keep kicking Maggie because she has no river manners, she might just stop and then probably decided to lay down and roll in it, and I can't handle that! So all this time Raquel and I are talking, and it's easy to talk when the horse is calm, but when Maggie starts seeing something, and her head raises up, my blood pressure raises up. The trail goes up and gets a little rocky, and then we're out on the other side of the wash, and it's wide open and there are other riders here. Maggie is very alert here, in a wide-eyed, I don't want to be riding her, kind of way. And there's this loud strangled kitten sound coming out of the bushes that's freaking her out, and I'm thinking, let's keep going and get past this and then somehow Raquel is saying, "wait, there's a cat in there," and then she's off her horse and looking in the bushes. This is when I start panicking, shit, just leave the freaking cat already, I am just trying to survive this ride - coyotes will take really good care of that kitty, but instead, I'm circling Maggie, and she's lifting her head so high if she was helicopter she would be flying by now, and she's seeing all sorts of "scary" objects, dogs barking in cars, dogs running around, cars in the distance, riders coming at us. And this lady is just digging in the bushes and she finally, after YEARS comes out with a black young kitty. "I'm sorry, I'm a mom -- I had to get it -" and she stuffs the cat in her shirt and figures out how to get back on her horse with a meowing cat in her bra, and I'm thinking, this woman is SO FAR beyond me - lucky to be able to ride relaxed on her 16 year old horse who looks like he should be wearing spectacles and playing a rousing game of Scrabble by a fire, while I'm on Disaster Horse, Anything Can Happen Horse. I wished so BAD, I was her. I'm just trying to hang on, I thought. You're putting a cat in your bra. We continue our walk, and Maggie settles down a little, but this is already an hour ride, and that's usually my limit. So I ask her gently if we could find the path back, and we head back the same way. Maggie is thankfully, very good, even when there's a loose dog on the path by the water, who disappears back into the woods (and I expect to come bounding out at any moment) - I just want to get back now, so I can have had a successful, no accident ride. When we get through the tunnel, and we're back on the street, and I can't feel my hips anymore, I realize we're going to be allright. There were no big problems. Maggie bolted only once, when we were first rounding the bend in the sand, before the water. She burst ahead because something scared her, and I turned her and she stopped. Raquel said I didn't move out of the saddle, which made me feel good. I'm probably more secure than I know. Now that's comedy. We decide to do it again next Friday, and then I have the long walk back to my house on Mags while my hips hurt. I should maybe get a saddle that is slightly higher up, or pad mine differently so I'm not stretched like a rubber band with my ankles in my ears over her wide river back. Raquel was telling me there was this really good $600 dollar saddle she knew about and I just laughed. I said $50 was more my speed. But I learned alot from her, I can see how I can make some improvements on my ride - where to carry a water bottle, what's the best fit for the most comfortable ride for Maggie and I. Mostly, when it was over, I got to see that I could do it, that any kind of training is hard work, couragous work, and carving new paths is just what it is, carving a new path. So we can glide later. I need chewing tobacco, chaps and leather skin, I think, to at least outwardly look as tough as you have to be to try these things. Luckily Maggie doesn't know I'm a trembling flower. She just knows I'm kind of fun, we take weird walks, and I have the carrots. I'll take a picture next Friday, when I can unfreeze my terror-filled hands from the reins to get the camera. But next week I will be an inch closer to being the lady with the cat in her bra. That is something I'm looking forward to. I like having that image - with a little more work, you too, can do something like this. In fact, by the time you get to the cat in bra point, it won't even seem like a problem.

Somebody

Since the kids are in school, I'm back to being able to ride Mag almost each day. Today on the trail some sprinklers went off right when we were passing them on a skinny path, and she startled and tried to turn around, but I had her and circled her and talked to her and let her walk by the dreaded sprinklers until she realized they weren't going to spray acid onto her or attack her. (She has flashbacks from when she was a spy, Agent 91.) (I guess.) Then we were almost home later, on the secret leafy path right by the house, and nothing ever happens there, so I had taken my feet out of the stirrups cause they hurt sometimes from all the fear pressing down into the stirrups (that's where I channel it all, apparently) - so of course I had no stirrups, so no extra balancing aid, and a squirrel decided to wrestle itself THROUGH a plastic covering on the fence RIGHT next to us as we passed by, and I have to admit, if I was Maggie, I would've flipped out too. (Luckily, I saw the squirrel before Maggie did and sort of expected it to happen.) So Maggie, who was ambling along after having stopped to pee in her regular place in the shade a few feet back, sees wiggling squirrel plastic next to her and says "I'm gettin out a here, Boss -" and turns to flee. I have gotten it down pretty well, I lean the other direction, put both hands on the one rein she's fleeing from, and aim her back so she basically can only take two steps, and can't run anywhere. And she's gotten pretty good, she stops, and the adrenaline is fading because she's just big and retarded, and she turns back around like "oops, okay, right, carry on," and then she keeps going forward with no trouble. It's like she has to learn HOW to react in a safe way while still acknowledging her fear and letting it run its course, without hurting anybody since she weighs as much as a car with Arnold Schwartzeneggar driving it. Of course, I get to enjoy the nasty fear aftermath as I assess if I'm still alive and functioning. Luckily, I got to see that I could ride just as well with no stirrups - my body didn't move a bit in the saddle, I was glued in and balanced all on my own. Why do we always doubt our ability to hang on, and hang on well? I was meant to be in that saddle. Maggie isn't trying to hurt me. She's just young, and learning. Anyway, I'm going to try and make these blogs into a separate Maggie Channel, so other people with PMUs can feel encouraged. That training a 10 year old mare with no previous experience under saddle isn't impossible. Little bits every day. Nobody handled her face much before me, so I'm just now getting to that aspect - having her turn and let me stroke her face, wipe it -- she still wants to turn away. But when I ask her to turn toward me with gentle pulling, she lets me have her face, and if I'm grooming her, eventually she'll drop her whole head and relax like, "Finally. Somebody."

That's Alot of Horse Gas

Sunday, July 22, 2012 That's Alot of Horse Gas Someone posted a spectacular horse-farting video that Will and I made called "The Colonel" on YouTube, and it's gotten 514,000 hits. I found it by accident. I'm hoping to channel all those fart-lovers to this blog, and all my work so far. If the Colonel can blow in some more readers, his gas will not be in vain.

More Mag and Fam Pix

Maggie, the Family Man

Maggie Scores Some Wardrobe

Thursday, July 05, 2012 Maggie Scores Some Wardrobe Thanks to generous contributions, the Magster will be having a brand new bridle and bit, that fits her fat face!! I told her all about it, while she was munching some hay out there at dinnertime. As my neighbor Mrs. Eick, said, "This horse has hit the jackpot." She used to just be someone's urine machine, with no family. Now she has social skills, riding skills, some driving training, trail rides and park rides, a family and so many treats. And now her very own bridle.

Amish in Ojai

Sunday, July 01, 2012 Amish in Ojai On the way back from the beach the other day, we drove the back way, thru Ojai, and right before Ojai is a little town called Oakview. In the little town is a dude named John Morgan who for the last 26 years has fixed horse carriages. He's the closest to Amish I can get in Los Angeles. Since Maggie's borrowed horse cart has a broken shaft, we had to get new shafts, the poles that stick out front, and they're 12 feet long and carved the way an Amish guy would carve, I guess. So I walked into this massive carriage house, like a carvern of carriages, all beautiful and all jammed happily in like if you asked Santa for a carriage for Christmas, and then you could shrink down into his pack and be surrounded by all the carriages he was delivering, you'd be coated in carriages. So I was. And I got to meet John Morgan, who is a 74 year old carriage maker, and I guess his son or grandson, who was probably my age, and they helped me get the pieces I needed to make our cart work for Maggie. The greatest part was, they were so NICE. They walked slowly, they let the kids climb into the carriages. They explained how to attach my shaft pieces to my cart at home so I'd do it right. They did everything happily, and peacefully. I figured out why everything was so happy there. There is nobody there. There is no depressingly long line like at Lowe's when you need to find a part for something. There is no air of defeat, like at an auto parts store, where everyone has a ring through their nose. Because there are no customers. Because there are cars. Because who the hell buys carriage parts when the country is on its knees economically, and everyone just wants their car to run so they can keep going to their shreds of jobs. There are cars. Nobody relies on carriages. So John Morgan can work his particular magic for Disneyland, and make parts for carriages where people use carriages in their businesses, and for hobbies. But I liked that there's something in the world I like more than anything - going slowly in a fast world. Looking around while your horse clip clops around slower than you actually walk. I like that there is a guy near Ojai who sits amongst all these carriages and sells obsolete items, in this relaxed and wonderful way. His whole lofty warehouse seemed filled with sighs, and hope.

Maggie, the Safe and Powerful

Monday, June 11, 2012 Maggie, the Safe and Powerful

Mighty Mags was mighty good today. Because I made a huge mistake over the weekend and put a milk jug with rocks in it on her harness. The noise is supposed to get her used to the noise of a carriage. Well, the noise apparently sounded like someone was coming at her with chainsaw, because she flipped out and started running around the driveway, skidding and bucking and flipping out while Nandy and Tim and I watched, frozen in an "oops." Luckily no one was hurt, including the fat Mags. But today I realize it's a good thing, like every mistake is a good thing, maybe. Because I learned that if I had been on her, or had a bridle on her, I would have had control, she would have trusted me. Nine months of riding and consistent training have given her a precedent of gentle handling. So today when I got on her after yesterday's rock attack, I should have been scared. But instead, I sat deeply and firmly on her and gave her lots of loose rein in the front. Cause the trainer said with a horse that is pretty slow, you want to leave the front open so they can move forward easily, give them the option to move forward willingly. So the ride to the park, and in the arena, Maggie moved forward happily, willingly, glad to be out. She gave me a little attitude when we got to the arena cause she thought I was going to make her run, but I stepped back a step and we just did easy walk trot, follow the directions, be good. So she settled in and connected the dots I laid out for her and I gave her loose rein, more reason to do because she wanted to, because it was a good choice. She is becoming a really, really wonderful horse. The last month she has settled into becoming reliable. She'll be good for all of us, kids included. I have my neighbor's cart and we've been getting her used to it, all the steps leading up to hitching her up. But the cart is broken and the two pieces I need (the cart shafts) are $67 dollars for the pair, and they're in Pennsylvania, where some Amish guy named Earl makes them. But Earl informed me (I talked to an Amish dude!) that the shipping would be $150 dollars. So I've been trying to find an Amish dude here, but so far ain't no Amish Californians. And cart shafts aren't the most popular item since people invented cars. So we're still saving up for that. This experience with Maggie has made me a better rider, stronger and safer. Maybe I needed that to safely teach the kids. And in the process, we saved a big fat horse. Who gets carrots everyday. Mistakes sometimes turn out to be miracles.

Fatty Can't Run

Friday, June 08, 2012 Fatty Can't Run The young girl/PHd student who has been training Maggie once every month or so came out about a week ago. We were going to teach Maggie to canter, and she did really well, actually. Getting Maggie to go faster is like filling a gigantic canvas sack with whale blubber and then attempting to heft it skyward. But CourtneyMadisonOtherYoungGirlName was able to get her going pretty easily and it was exciting to see her achieve something only the men on the moon have achieved - uncharted territory. I went to the arena yesterday to try it out, nervous because I was by myself, but I thought I could maybe get her to do it. I'm messier than the trainer, I'm more me, less PhD. And as we worked in the arena, it started to get broiling out, Maggie got hot and decided she didn't want to run anymore. It's like she REALIZED she was 1400 pounds. So she didn't run at all. In fact, when I asked her to canter, she slammed on the brakes, very clearly saying UH NO. I did find myself calling her the C word. For fun. I was having a Cbag day. She did canter for one STEP. After that, it was just like she was melting into a puddle of magma. I did learn something that was pretty funny - she is a safe horse. I know, because I was beating her with my little stick and she did not try to buck me off or hurt me or anything. She just was not going to move. My friend Karen said to me a few weeks back, "It's funny, you got a slow horse because that's what you wanted, and now all you want is for her to go faster." The good thing is, today Maggie is back to normal, walked and trotted on our little ride today, out with Hank in the neighborhood. She just tells me what she wants, she wants company, or she's too hot, or yes, today I will run when you ask. The trainer says boy horses (geldings) will say "okay," when you ask them to do something. They're just doofy and agreeable. Mares, when you ask them to do something will say, "Why." And then if you persist, they will do it for you. So the Mags is doing well. She's more reliable on the trail, getting more relaxed and confident, barely spooking anymore. When I was getting on her today, and I had Hank on the leash, I went to get up on her and she looked down at Hank and leaned down and play-nipped him on the back. He glared at her, but it was funny. They both like each other's company out on the trail.

Trail Blazer

Trail Blazer Rode Maggie out on the trail today. It's been a little windy, which always makes horses alert and ready for anything scary to blow in front of them so they can blow sideways and leave you hanging from a tree. Mags and I made it all the way up a trail we had only been on once before, and she was doing just fine. I say trail like it's all lush and gorgeous, when really a trail here in The Real World of Los Angeles is riding up a neighborhood street on a horse path (or sometimes in the middle of the street) on your wide horse (I don't think she's wide but apparently everyone else in the world who passes by and comments on it thinks she's wide), until you get to a dirt area that used to be mountains but is now new houses being built into giant mountainous lots. So it's trailesque. There are moments of trail. It's beautiful, anyway, to pass the school and have the kids yell hello at you from the playground, and to see the blue sky and birds flying around and leafy trees and green lawns. Anyway, so we get up the trail and on the way down we run into two other horses going on a trail ride. An older dude and a girl in her 20's. They don't know it, but we hitch a ride with them, secretly hoarking their ride so we can have company. I keep thinking, I should say hi, I should say hey can we ride with you part of the way, my horse is still new at everything, but instead I just steal their ride from behind, I'm taking it anyway, without telling them, because they were sort of quiet and I didn't want to kill their silent buzz, as surfers call it, I didn't want to "harsh their mellow". So they go up a big dirt trail where there's construction at the top, and I wouldn't have gone up there with out horse company, but since they're going I have the balls to go, and they're a little ahead of us, so Maggie, who has NEVER cantered with me on her, decides to CANTER up the hill to catch up. It was so exciting! She moved fast! But then we turned left to go down another trail to follow our riders, and they were a little ahead, and here's where things turn bad. Some noise scares her from behind and suddenly we're CAREENING toward the other riders at full speed. I have Maggie, she's not going to get away, but it sure looks like it. Luckily the guy's horse just STOPS, so then Maggie crashes to a halt inches from him. If his horse had gotten scared of my horse, we'd all still be running right now. I made a mental note, learn how to stop horse BEFORE bolting. Not sure how to do that. I said sorry to the guy and he didn't seem to respond, just kept going. So I turned Maggie down the first trail possible to get away and we crawled away in shame. But then the rest of the ride was fine. Mags just has like two speeds. Ambling, ambling, ambling and light speed. Then ambling again. So I'm working on tempering that light speed. I'm not as afraid anymore, because she's had weeks without one bolt at all. She's learning. She's just got to learn to get some more polite gears on her. She's like a rookie racecar driver.

Mag on the Mountain

Tuesday, May 15, 2012 Mag on the Mountain Rode Magammemnon up the mountain today. Just the small mountain, a loop up the closest trail and back. You don't know, it's taken like 8 months of riding 4 times a week, 160 days consistently, weeks training on streets and in the arena, to get to this small victory. This is all I wanted,to be able to go up the trail, without getting bucked off, without being scared, and come home refreshed from seeing a tiny bit of wide open space. With Maggie today I learned (or reinforced), that you can't QUIT. When she wants to turn around at the top of the mountain and scurry back down the way we came, when she grinds her feet into a stop and looks at me like NO WAY, PARTNER. Ain't doin it for you, she said. My reaction today was F*#$ You Aren't. And I gave her a whale of a kick. She looked at me like awww, man. And she decided okay, I'll do it for you. There were two points in my ride where she tried to pull the plug and I had to say No. (Plug.) Go. In a forceful way that doesn't seem fitting on a pale and gentle flower such as myself. I have to FORCE THROUGH fear. The rest is sort of easy, actually. When there is resistance, I have to barrel right through it. I figure now, maybe tomorrow when I ride, it'll be a little bit easier. And next time, even easier. As I know with her, eventually our new path on the mountain will be routine, and she'll be pretty reliable and good. Then when we start driving, when I get the balls up to hitch her to the new old cart we have, I'll have to start all over with new challenges. But at least I've learned, Tough. Shove. 1400 pounds needs a strong hand, and once she learns to be safe, then it takes less and less force. And eventually our little rides and drives will be a water ballet.

Fun with Mags

Sunday, May 13, 2012

We harnessed Maggie up yesterday on a blustery warm Saturday and it took four adults to walk her and drive her on the ground, and get her used to the poles next to her stomach that we carried and jostled against her so she can get used to the shafts of the cart. My neighbor gave us her training cart to use, which is broken but I think we can fix it and then the kids will get to take little rides, once we get her used to it. Small steps to getting her ready, I figure when she's ready, the cart will be ready! It was exciting, though, to see the kids excited, and Maggie really became the Family Horse in that day, because they saw that she was going to be useful and the center of all of us, like a car that breathes, and needs food. A part of the family. Also, this unicycle is an interesting thing because it reinforces all the things I'm good at, or can learn: Stop. Climb on. Balance. Sit deeply. It's okay when your heart flips when you feel like you're falling. Fear keeps you resolute, keeps you trying. It's ridiculous, trying to sit on a pole, on one wheel. It's so pointless. It's not a skill you can use ANYWHERE. Unless maybe you're French, or a midget, or both. But that is precisely why, training a horse to drive in 2012, and riding a unicycle, are so important. Right? Because when we get her used to driving, we will be able to get somewhere at FOUR MILES AN HOUR. And when I am able to sit on the unicycle without falling, I'll be able to sit on a unicycle. hehheh

My Kingdom for a Butt Scratch

Tuesday, May 01, 2012 My Kingdom for a Butt Scratch

This is from my friend Lee on the phone: "Next time we're at the toxic waste dump, we'll swing by." Now that's love. I took Maggie on the trail alone for the first time in a long time. I was feeling brave. I did learn something, and that is you never let a 1400 pound friend that you're riding make any decisions. Once I realized I had to be very strong with Maggie, and then let her trust me, she is excellent on the trail. She says "I'm scared of that big plastic bag. Don't make me go over there. I'm thinking of turning and running away like a crazy woman on fire." She says this by arching her neck really high and looking around for the nearest fire exit. I have learned that under all that momentary fear, she is fat and lazy. So I say "Hey, you're scared of that?? Hey, let's go SEE that, let's go FAST over to SEE that." And I kick her to move forward. She immediately starts rethinking her plan of escaping as soon as there's any FAST MOVEMENT involved. She says, "Wait, wait wait, I don't REALLY want to run off. That bag isn't looking that scary. Please don't make me move faster. In fact, I'll put my head down and stop acting retarded if you stop kicking me to go faster." And that's how we had a very happy and almost relaxed trail ride today, I listened. She listened. We are almost partners. Especially if I give her a really nice carrot and a really nice butt scratch when we get home. Scratches make good friends.

At Least Mag is Not a C Bag

Wednesday, April 25, 2012 At Least Mag is Not a C Bag I met the lady that was with the lady who was calling her horse a cuntbag. It turns out that lady was TRAINING her horse, and part of the training was to bitch the horse out with foul and colorful language. It also turns out she funly fired that trainer and now has a trainer who uses weird things like gentle touch and patience with her horse. Thought you'd want to know the haps on that particular scene. Mag and I just plod along, in her case, literally, moving forward and trying not to be afraid of things like wandering peacocks and miscellaneous trash bags blowing in the wind. I am a much better rider after htese 7 months, as if at 45 I really wanted to take a hard look at my riding skills, especially by training a green horse. But it has given me confidence. Now I can go home and pack a lunch or clean out the kids closets with confidence. heh heh

Check Out the Mouth on That Chick

Monday, April 16, 2012 Check Out the Mouth on That Chick I'm certainly glad I had a better day with Maggie in the public arena than the girl before me... Mags and I were standing there with our lips hanging out (hers more than mine, bigger bottom lip and more gravity) while the girl in the arena in front of us was chasing her horse around and yelling "f*&^ing cuntbag" at her in the nicest way, actually not so nice even. (I left cuntbag in because it's so unusual.) When she stormed out dragging her horse who looked like she really wanted to go home with us or maybe get a job at a Chevron station or something, Mags and I went in the ring and did our normal, boring, excellent work where Maggie did everything and stopped so she could be petted and loved. It was a glorious day. For all cuntbags.

Maggie Can Canter

Saturday, April 14, 2012 Maggie Can Canter Maggie has cantered three times on the lunge line. For all those people out there who are working with their green PMU mares, this is a nice step. Haven't ridden at the canter, but at least she does GO, and she doesn't try to get away or cause trouble. So she's taking the next step. There are no other gaits she has to learn, so eventually she might be a regular old riding horse. I walked her across our really busy Sunland Blvd the other day to get to my friend Mary's house, so we could get used to that area. She did fine with everything, it was only these huge great danes on the hill that looked like roaming wild lions that made her nervous. Which then made me nervous because I didn't want her to run over me on her way to escape. We just have to walk over there again, and she'll see that it's a routine and then maybe I can relax too.

Chub Chub Gaining Confidence

Friday, March 23, 2012 Chub Chub Gaining Confidence Two things- gave up on Mags and then started reading books about how to bombproof you horse and it says things like "listen to what your horse is asking," (by her behavior) so I knew she needed company. She's always lived in a herd. So I started taking Hank the Anchor dog out with us, and she is so happy. She plods along and Hank plods along and nerves are settled, collecting dust somewhat. So this in turn, helps me sit more relaxed, and helps build confidence so the next time we go out, I am stronger, and we work better together. Also, she has never had a person. I am her first person. So after 7 mos, she is learning my cues, trying to do what I ask, and making less of her own decisions. In fact, the more I clarify my cues and make things simple, the better she is able to execute what I'm asking. We are both trying to figure it out. Also she's been a mom, and I think that changes a person. Animal. Your mind/body is not quite the same. Even though her mind is a walnut. It has still changed a fraction. You are wholer after kids, your body has become a fast food restaurant. You naturally think you know best. Because you have been a food court. And you have been a manufacturer. You don't argue with the boss. So Mags and I may have similar outlooks. Plus her body looks like I feel inside. Squatty, dumpy, comfy, sturdy, round, slow, with nice fur. In short, gorgeous. An important thing the book says, too, is that the stronger you are when making decisions, the more your horse will trust you. If you waffle (god I love waffles), they think, 'wait, if SHE'S not sure, then I'M not sure' and then they start making all the decisions, like running for home or eating candy for breakfast. So you gotta be confident to gain their trust, and then pretty soon you're a team and then you both can relax. Confidence is the path to relaxation. Who'd a thunk. I always thought hot tubs were the path to relaxation. Okay, so that's where we are on the horse path of life. Oh, and her nickname is Chubs. Chub Chub.

Three's Company

Saturday, March 17, 2012 Three's Company Gave up on Maggie and decided to give her to my friend. I even sent the email saying take her, take her. Then I ignored the horse for two days. No radio on in the barn, no special treats. Then I decided oh, I'll just take you out with Hank. You just need company and you won't bolt off with me. So for the last three days we went out with Hank and huge trucks came by and no bolt. Small dogs running at the park, and no big deal. Maybe Maggie was telling me, I'm just scared. Have Hank the Anchor there on the ground walking along relaxed and I'll be relaxed, I like a herd. So that's what we're trying. The horse lets you know what she needs. Also, I like the company.

Ride Out

Monday, March 05, 2012 Ride Out Well for Maggie lovers out there, this horse is doing spectacularly. For people worrying about my treadmill, it is really dangerous and almost killing me. I must get it tuned up. But back to Mags, the "trainer" came out yesterday and I'm always glad NOT to be riding her and just observing. Less stress. We did some arena work and she is doing really well. I'm am again learning that I may NOT get bucked off. This morning in the heat of March, Hank the dog and I went riding to the arena. We both like the company, the dog is like the staple to the earth. Nothing bad can happen with Hank there. So we moseyed to the park and Maggie did everything right and then we came back and I can see that more time, repetition, routine, Maggie is learning to be a riding horse who listens. Which means safety for the rider. Just have to keep doing what I'm doing, shoving back the fear, locking it away, swing up on to the horse, ride out.

So Much to Do, So Little Gets Done

Thursday, February 23, 2012 So Much to Do, So Little Gets Done Hey, so PhD Girl has ridden my horse 3 times and she's so much better at everything than me that I may just enroll in a PhD program of my own except wait I don't want to go to school. I'm already doing so much of Nathan's homework and what with Emma's Rosa Parks report, and Lilly learning the numbers, I'm swamped. I'm supposed to be furthering my writing and here I am in dirty sweatpants because all I can do really in the 2 hrs off from all kids, is get on that fat horse and pretend I'm making progress. We are SORT of making progress, I mean progress is so SLOW that it's hard to see the progress. I see why people build buildings, or bind books when they're done writing them, so they can SEE the beginning, middle and end. There's an actual end. My dad, who actually cares about me furthering my writing, has all these ideas about how to push my stuff out there, but I just want to push it out of my head and form it, and then print it out, show it to Barry and a few other people, as many as want to read, and it's done. It would be nice to widen my audience, but I would also like to just be writing again. In my spare time. It just seems pathetic. But maybe if you push through pathetic there is alot of money. I should keep going. I just wrote it SO LONG ago. But then, so did Shakespeare. Gotta go make lunch. I am working out what thing to write next. Have many unfinished, and one finished that I could look for a publisher. Guess I have to do it all at once. But then who will make lunch? Maggie is doing pretty well. I learned from the Amazing Rider Girl that it is possible to be solid, grounded, and relaxed. I am good at feigning these things, she's suggesting actually USING them in the saddle. Stop floating around with my head in a bubble. Just be solid. Wait, look - butterfly...what?

Maybe We Can Do Her Some Good

I should relabel this blog PMU Adventure. Life with a fat and slow rescue horse.

I read in Anne of Green Gables, when the Cuthberts get a girl (Anne) instead of the boy orphan they wanted to help around the farm, Marilla says "What good is she going to do us?" And Matthew, the serene character, offers quietly "We might do her some good."

I do think I've learned with this Maggie horse character that I had my foot stomping need to have a horse in my life to see everyday, while we have the barn and the land and the hay to keep one. But then she came here and thankfully I had no idea how much courage it would take to get on and ride an untried big fat horse everyday, because I would have wimped out. Sincerely.

But everyday I got on that horse whether I wanted to get on or not. With fear in my boots. Sloshing full of fear. Because of that pony that bucked me off and broke my hand.

It's been six months next Monday that she's been here. I see an inkling ahead that maybe the hard part is over. She is used to the routine of riding. I have a girl with a modern name like Madison who will come once a week and school her. Maybe it is the presence of this phantom girl who will only really see Maggie for an hour a week that has given me a sense of settling into my pants. (When I'm on the horse.) I used to be afraid, what if she sees something and gets scared and then I'm whisked off and I die and yay no more meals to make but no, no dying. And this girl says, "Just have a quiet seat, she sees something that scares her, her head goes up. You just sit there like eh, that's nothing, she feels that, she settles back down." You are then leading her while not doing anything but relaxing.

So lately my rides with Maggie have been I Can Do It, not Please, Can I Do It? Solid leg on the sides of her, to squeeze her forward like toothpaste shooting in front of us. Holding her with my legs so she knows she has someone leading her forward. Today we went around the park in the wind, which scares any horse, and she did everything I asked with only a few moments of worry. When my leg got stronger and my seat got quiet, she got more confident, and her head dropped down and we both sighed.

The sign of a good ride.

She's coming around the corner, and there will be the time I've been looking forward to, the time when she's no longer new, she's gently used, and we're good for each other.

Whoa Girl

Maggie and Lilly expressing the thumbs. A girl is coming to help ride Maggie on Sunday. She's 25, got a PhD in mechanical engineering and is also a national champion rider. I felt very large and flappy in the mind when standing beside her. I felt like a prarie mom. Hopefully she will teach Maggie how to be well behaved for our kids, so I can turn her loose on them in the summer. Oops, I mean turn them loose on her.

Ridin Really Wide

Tuesday, January 24, 2012 Ridin Really Wide Got a new saddle with some of my Christmas money, my first new saddle ever in my life. It's not a real saddle, it's like a bareback pad, squishier, called a treeless saddle. It's so WIDE on already WIDE Maggie that after about half an hour in the saddle there is actually no way I could get off. My legs are stuck straight out that way. So I have to do some stretching, throwing my legs to the sky and having someone shove them out in the splits. And hold them that way. Til I break, or they loosen up.

Frenemies

Frenemies After that disastrous day out with Maggie where I decided turning her into a bag of dog food would be the kindest thing I could do with her - the next day I went out with Nigel on the trail. Except for spooking at a parked boat (seems boats are the most TERRIFYING SHAPE, and I'm thinking she had a terrible boating accident when she was Agent 91, Super Spy), she did excellently well - she does so well with a friend horse along. It wasn't until 45 minutes into the ride, when we were heading back in from a new trail, that I could relax, I could feel my legs come down from up in my shoulders and actually touch the sides of Maggie's stomach. I believed in her instead of being scared. Alot of my problems are me. She's just being a horse that never did anything or saw anything before these last 5 months. She's just being honest. And honestly, all she needs is a buddy for trail rides to get her comfortable (she keeps telling me with body language, pretty specifically) and on days I don't have Nigel or someone to ride with, I can just do circles in the street near my house, where she's comfortable. You know, read her signs and do what she can do, and build up our connection. But I have to believe in her and tell her so by being relaxed. Believe in me. Too. So lying in bed that night I realize, oh, wait, she's my 4-H project. My 45-H project, since I'm way old to be in 4-H. Like my friend Chris said, just pretend you're taking a class in things you're scared of, and your mind will open up. So she's a 4-H project, and that gives me some balls. Also, she's been having some fungus that is making her rub all the hair off her face so I've had to rub her down with Listerine twice a day, which I don't know, gives her really fresh breath. So my hands smell like an old man Hebrew Choir, seriously, old man fresh. Love hate relationship, I'm just going to try and stick with my project. Why is worrying so ample and buxom??

Brother, Would You Sell a Friend?

Wednesday, January 18, 2012 Brother, Would You Sell a Friend? I don't know what to do about Big Fat Maggie. Mostly, if I sell her, I'd want to name the new horse Maggie. If there was a new horse. She's just big and difficult and I'm old and senile-ish. I have no right being up on a green horse. I should be up on an old senile horse. Definitely. The problem is, I've spent MONTHS with this horse. And she needs maybe another 5 months of me not being afraid. It's like she's reached giant toddler stage, so she knows SOME rules, but she doesn't want to really listen to those rules all the time. And she's 1400 pounds. I don't know, gentle reader. I just got a used bareback pad to fit her huge gut off ebay. Of course, in the week that I decide I probably should find an easier horse to ride. So I have to wait at least til it comes so I can use it once. Before I get a smaller horse. Anyway. Luckily there are plenty of horses out there, and two friends are interested in taking my horse. So no money would be lost or spent. But it's hard to sell a friend. Especially, what if she's destined for greatness? But she is a really pushy horse. I wouldn't mind a less pushy horse. Okay, more later.

Friends for Mags

Tuesday, January 10, 2012 Friends for Mags Maggie has a new friend. Well, two new friends. It's been 5 months since she got here - and yesterday we went out on the trail with another horse and my friend Nigel. He borrowed the horse from a neigh bor. (Get it "neigh" bor?) Anyway, he came and picked me up on horseback, just like in Sense and Sensibility. I'm hoping he brings a carriage next time and then changes the neighborhood into a scenic valley with a Lake of Shining Waters, and has fresh sandwiches packed in a basket. I will then disappear completely into my imagination. But as Anne says, that's all we need. My trail rides will still be full of shining lakes and verdant valleys. Who cares if we live next to the dump. I was nervous to take her out with Nigel, who I thought as a boy and an ex-jockey, wouldn't baby us but would instead make us do dangerous stunts, but of course he hasn't BEEN a jockey in several thousand years, and we just walked along the trail. Also, I was afraid that Maggie might somehow cause a scene, fight, freak out, I had never seen her really with other horses, and what she did was very funny, all she did was hurry up to follow the other horse with her nose almost imbedded in the other horse's butt, and that's where she wanted to stay. Goodyou'rehereI'lljustfollowyoudon'tmindmynoseIloveyourbuttit'sgreat. Thank god that horse wasn't a kicker, Maggie would currently have no face. I should mention that Maggie was extremely oily because I had freaked out thinking she had chicken lice (a great soup if you're sick, by the way) because she was rubbing all her fur off, and so I went out the night before and dusted her with this white powder until she looked like a Ghost Horse, and then she was still itchy the next day and I looked up lice and I looked up itchy horse butt (as I'm sure you all have) and then I found some sane person online that said um, dandruff anyone? So I checked her mane and tail and she had a ton of dandruff, which I had kind of thought but who listens to intuition these days - since she had come from a wet environment (CO and N. Dakota) and ended up in weirdly hot January in California - yes, I think scratching all your dry skin off until you push the fence off it's brackets is in order. So I washed her with Head and Shoulders and then doused her with mineral oil on the itchy spots, and now I could fry an egg on her and it wouldn't stick (very hard to get her over the stove). So that's how we went on our trail ride, me on the greasy fat horse and Nigel on the refined ex-polo pony who didn't mind my horse's face in her ass. Noble, it turns out, was not only her name. But it was the first trail ride with company, and it helps to have reinforcements, why have I forgotten that? Because I couldn't afford reinforcements. But it is so much better. Except for one dog who charged the fence so much as we passed that Maggie, who was patient patient patient until finally just flipped out and bucked and stormed forward but I had the One-Rein Emergency stop in my new bag of tricks that I've learned as Scared Rider, so I ripped her head to the left and aimed her at the opposite fence (which was coming at us rapidly) and she contained herself. She is a very mellow mare most of the time, she only has these momentary explosions and leaps forward or some very exciting nonsense for about three strides, enough to outdistance her panic, and then she stops, panic-free, the panic is now three strides back, and I'm now choking on my own panic, but she's fine, ready to keep going now. Thanks. And I keep thinking, thank god the kids aren't on her, but duh, of course the kids aren't on her. This is WHY you're on her. She'll be good at kid riding when you're done at training. In time. So we'll work on that. It's only been a few months. The more exposure, the more it's eh, that's just a stupid dog. And then 2nd friend, today I met Lottie, who is looking to do some horse bonding and responded to my craigslist ad for horse help. I wanted someone who wanted to come out once a week and play with Maggie in exchange for a bale of hay, to help with her costs. I couldn't have found a better person - she's a sweet girl/mom, college student, just wants to braid Maggie's hair and put ribbons in it. Time away from her kids and work, to relax. Maybe eventually to ride, but for now, she just wants to bring a bale of hay and play for a little while and get to know her. Perfect arrangement. Perhaps later, she and her kids can move into the tiny apartment being built onto our house, and marry Tim, the construction worker who already lives there. Heheh

Could Fear Wait Over There, Please?

Friday, January 06, 2012 Could Fear Wait Over There, Please? I took a bunch of kids ice skating today. We also went Monday, and it seemed like Monday was more fun maybe because it was Monday and not today, where everything is fresher and we had to compare it to Monday, the better day. This time there were six pairs of skates to tie on six different people, and I'm not kidding, a half hour later I finally finished. Leaving only and hour and a half to skate the 50 bucks I spent to get everybody in. There was one kid that should never, EVER have soda because he talks so fast anyway, having him talk while hyped up on soda was like traveling on the Millenium Falcon on hyperdrive. It was kind of amazing to behold. But I didn't get into this blog to talk about the skating, this is my Maggie blog. I didn't get to ride or work with the Mag today because the kids were home and there wasn't that hole in the day that I could jam a 1400 pound cowhorse into. I did manage to lay on the diving board face down in the sun with Lilly wearing SpongeBob pajamas at like 1 in the afternoon. While Emma was in the treehouse, and Nathan was riding around the neighborhood collecting Christmas trees to bring home and cut up with a chainsaw. (The urban boy's firewood gathering.) Maggie has been here almost five months, and getting on her everyday, whether I want to or not, just being a robot and doing the same things over and over so it becomes routine, has helped to shape her into a riding horse. She's 80% there. She still has maybe 19% I Want to Do Things My Way in her mind. But she's learning. I ride with about 20% fear. I'm trying to reduce that. I took Hank with us to give her some company, and I spent so much time yelling at the dog who kept wrapping himself around poles and stepping all over his leash, that I forgot to be scared, I was too busy being angry and yelling at him. It was kind of refreshing, to have the immediacy of anger to focus me away from the internal dread of getting bucked off. I might take Hank more often, it made an hilarious circus train of a ride, I'm sure all the people passing in cars on the street were amusing by Cussing Girl with Dog and Pony Trailside Show. I should maybe designate a recepticle that I could place my fear in as I head out to ride, and retrieve it later, because it sure takes over everything. Maybe I'll put it all in the mailbox. Maybe I can accidentally mail it in with my Netflix and never have to see it again. Until I rent it next week. Dammit. Aside from Maggie having an itchy neck and butt and scraping all the hair off those places, she's a healthy and fat individual. So far.

Maggie the Bolter

Maggie the Bolter I don't know what I wrote about Maggie last, but I've figured out that she's in training, and I'm the one training her, so everything has to be taken with a grain of salt. Yesterday we rode over to Katie's house with Nathan way ahead of us on the bike, and aside from bolting forward once from a terrifying dog behind a fence, she did okay. Getting her used to neighborhood dogs is the same as getting her used to the bridle, which she's now excellent at. It's just scarier cause I'm on her back and have to bolt along with her and pray I don't fall off. She'll get better at it, I just have to hang on. Literally. I rode with spurs for the first time yesterday and she does listen a bit better, barely had to use them. She's doing better in general, listening - not wanting to go forward all the time, but still doing it. I figure what's right past that is resignation, the OKAY, I'll GO your way with no thinking of turning around. She's halfway there, and I only wanted to quit on her EVERY TIME. For some reason she's still here.

Big Fat Asshole

Big Fat Asshole Yeah, so maybe it's the big crazy wind, but when I take the horse out she acts like an asshole. My friend Katie says not to give up, but I say you know what, life is too short. I just want to get on and ride on the trail, come back, and feel refreshed. I've been doing all the training, but I don't like when the horse turns at me and looks like she wants to stomp my brains out. She gets this look when I ask her to trot and she definitely wants to squelch that request from me. Like, by crushing my skull. So she can then eat grass around my body. I decided if I become a big reality tv star on NickMoms, I'll have a little extra money so I can send this horse to someone else and then get a decent horse that is already trained. As soon as I decided this, I took Maggie back inside and pulled all the trash cans in around her. She didn't mind all the clattering at all. In fact, I had to go back to get more trash cans (my life is trash) and I left her in the driveway and she just stood there like an excellent carriage horse. Damn her. Waiting while I pulled all the trash cans around her, she waited til I said Walk On, and then she just walked on like she was in the Rose Parade. I'll work more on ground driving her, she seems to like that. Katie says to wait til after the holidays to do anything. Stupid Katie.

Fat Cowboy is Changing My Life

Wednesday, November 30, 2011 Fat Cowboy is Changing my Life

This fat cowboy is amazing. I'm learning all this stuff on his dvds about riding that I never knew, like first never wear a tight cowboy shirt if you're like 30 pounds overweight. He looks like Yoda. But really, I'm learning mostly that everything I do is my fault. The horse is just this lazy blinking, big eyed animal that basically wants what you want - an easy time. You just have to find the connection. And nurture it. So much of it is the same as mothering - you're teaching behavior that works for you, and you can do it gently, you just have to be consistent. I worked with Maggie out on the street yesterday and the backyard today for about 5 minutes that I had free - and it's really amazing what happens when you have a handful of new skills to toss out there and try. It takes away fear, and instead you have purpose. And the horse seems to respond to purpose - it's like she wants to do what I'm asking her - she's actually not being an asshole because she wishes she lived at a better barn and that her owner was Justin Timberlake or something (I don't even know who that is, is that like a shoe, or something?). Really, the horse isn't harboring some grudge, has no other agenda. She just wants active guidance so she can relax and carry out your plan, and then celebrate later with a giant pile of hay and maybe a butt scratch. The riding is a different feel - it's active. The more active I am with my seat, legs, hands, the more she responds and listens, she's glad for the guidance. I'll be glad when she knows all the cues better and I can just ride and daydream, but this new section where we're both learning to understand each other - it's pretty interesting.

Jerry the Life Coach

My new love is this dude Jerry Tindell. He's some fat old cowboy who is like magic on horseback. Some neighbor (I'll call her cussing hairdresser from New York)gave me his dvds and I've been watching them on the treadmill and learning how to get into the mind of Maggie. I have to watch everything like 20 times to understand what the hell he's talking about, and then I run out and try it out on Maggie. It's a good thing I have the discs, because Katie moved to her new house yesterday and without her here I decided I better get rid of this impossible horse. But then the dvds give me inspiration so I go out, get on her back and try all this bending and flexing and teaching her the leg cues, and it's kind of fascinating. She actually DOES the stuff he says it's possible to teach. All I want is for her to be able to go out on the trail and be a regular and safe horse. But what he said that was most interesting is that horses don't respond to the pull on the rein, it's not the pull they're going for, it's the release. So you think you're pulling them, but really, when you pull them, they go with it because at the end of the pull is the release. They're looking for the release. I thought that said alot about pretty much everything in life. The horse will try anything for you because at the end you're letting go. That's a pretty nice promise. Learning horses is just like learning music or learning any other invisible thing. It's all about finding balance and figuring out how to float along with something as seamlessly as possible so you can hear its own silent song. Hopefully you can match up with it for a few strides where you dissolve together. That seems like beauty to me.

Enjoy Your Meal

Enjoy Your Meal I guess Maggie's been with us three months now. I've been working with her out in the barn area because it said online to make her life a living hell in the barnyard, so that when you go on trail rides, she won't be in a hurry to turn around anymore and go home. So she's getting lunged outin our little back paddock area and she challenges me sometimes but mostly she does exactly what I say. She's a quick learner. Smart, but strong. So I have to be firm. She's also just a big fat pile of brown playdough. She'd much rather just stand there and stare at you and perhaps fall asleep. So maybe when I'm done and I've built the perfect horse, then we'll both just stand there and fall asleep. I was having a bad day the other day and I went out to see her while she was eating. I laid my head on her fat side and told her whatever problem it was that I was having. Probably about how life is speeding by and how does anyone figure out what they're doing, or who they are or what's important or what makes sense. And she lifted her head up from her hay to look back at me, chewing contentedly. You should really try the food here, was her message. There's nothing else, Jule. It's simple. Enjoy it.

Tiny Steps

I know this has become the Maggie blog, but I haven't had much time to ride lately. I mean, we ride a bit every day - Monday Nathan stayed home sick from school, so of course I made him ride his bike while I took Maggie up the trail. Only when you're trying to keep up with a bike do you realize how incredibly slow this horse actually is. Much better to have your head in the clouds than in real time when riding her. And today I got on for ten minutes doing bending and circling in the street in front of our house and then I had to run pick up Lilly for school and on the way shovel a pile of horse poop in a bucket and stick it in the trunk so it wouldn't be in front of the neighbor's house where she had deposited it. Then I forgot it was in the car so when I went to get the kids at carpool, I actually had to REMOVE a bucket of manure from the trunk so as not to gag the 11 year olds.

Today was one of those really hard days - packing my mom (again) this time in smaller and smaller suitcases, getting her plane stuff worked out, getting her dog into the vet so she can fly on the plane, hoping she even gets on the plane since she's going standby, trying not to feel guilty for all the things we didn't do while she was here, everything rush rush rushing because we have 3 busy kids all the time around. Then Lilly saying (when I had to go to the vet), "Is she going to die?" because the last time we were there we had to take in old Maisie. Then I had to run to the gyno for a look under the hood, and all evening was spent in the garage and helping Nathan do an earthquake project for science. As well as cooking. And still I'm mad I didn't get on the treadmill because then I could eat more banana cream pie.

And life moves too fast and there's too much going on, and I'm not even rich or famous. And sure, maybe I spend too much time helping my mom because I'm hoping that she'll actually love me if I do it. That she'll find happiness. It is truly a ridiculous life.

I'm sure if she does get on the plane, I'm going to have a very strange adjustment period after all these years of trying to make her happy and content, and helping her, and now she'll just be gone. I hope I can think of ways to spend the time. Relaxing might be good. I was just starting to go crazy, too much togetherness and not enough nurturing. But I love her, but man, it's hard because I am passionate about things, and I can get really angry when people are stupid and don't do things my way. I may have some faults. Today at carpool I stopped to let Nathan out to buy some awful fatty snack from a street ice cream vendor and I didn't pull up enough and some lady (I hesitate to call her that) had to pull her car around me and yelled out her window, mad "White people!" Wow man, that hurt. Am I bad driver because I'm white? Or because I'm a bad driver? When I see all the Mexicans and South Americans dropping their kids off in all sorts of terrible areas around the school in the morning, do I think racist slurs? I think I do. It's a base instinct, easy to access. Then I realized the Armenian kid I like was blocking traffic as he got dropped off the other day too. So it isn't just white vs hispanic. We're all against each other. All nations, all skin colors - we are all bad drivers. I can celebrate that unity. And when I think racist slurs, I can realize, I, too, am a bad Mexican driver. It's love, man. Humanity.

Maggie is very, very fat. I sometimes sit on her while she's eating. Because she's the cushioniest chair.

The hay guy Sal dropped off the hay while I was having my ten minute ride this morning, and he stopped to say hi. I told him I was working on bending her because she was a little barn sour lately (feeling desparate, I can't keep going). I always hang on anything anyone says, so as not to give up. And Sal said, "She's doing great." So that bolstered me up. Sal says she's great, I'll keep going. Tiny steps, big swaying belly.

Limp Away, Jog Home

So Mags and I did the trail yesterday after a few days of bending and turning and getting her used to listening to the rider. And she was better about being barn sour - she did still try to turn around and go home, but I could win the battle easier than last time. I figure I'll work with her a few days on bending, then go on the trail, then more days on bending. Eventually she'll quit, and be the big dope I'm hoping for, where you get on, aim her at the trail and ride.

Our little work area is out in front of the house on the street, in front of God and everyone. We're the weird little couple who just go in circles and never get anywhere. But it is so nice to be on a horse's back, especially her fat back, it's like riding a couch. Everything is peaceful up there because there I can't do anything for anybody, I just shrink back to my actual size. I think that's relaxation. Of sorts.

Yesterday we managed to open and shut the gate without me having to get off - it's like a comedy act trying to wiggle her the right way so I can close the gate without hitting her. But she was patient and helpful. Oh and she even fakes limping when going OUT away from the barn, and walks as slow as she can. Then you turn her around and she walks happily back, suddenly all better. I think I do that too, when I have to go get the kids at carpool.

Now that she can open gates, I think I may invite her in and do everything from horseback. Fry eggs, pack lunches and talk on the phone. It'd be so much more relaxing except our floors would be ripped to shit.

Day 81

I haven't blogged in here lately because Maggie had become a gigantic fat asshole and it didn't seem inspiring. In fact, I mentally quit, like I do immediately, so as to remain consistent.

She had decided that after a month of riding, she was going to turn around and go home everyime we went out. And she's got a really strong head. It's like trying to turn the Titanic away from the iceberg. Except without the big budget effects.

Every time she does something that seems insurmountable I think, time to make her into dog food. This was a mistake. She's a terrible individual. I will surely be killed. But then today I went out again because I had time off and I'd rather do that than write or clean. And I worked with her on turning and bending. Stepping back a step, since I realized that it's only been a month since we started riding everyday, which means that out of 10 years of her life, she's only had 30 days of someone pulling her around with a bit in her mouth. Maybe I should go back and get her really good at turning and listening to cues, respecting her rider and driver.

So we went out and slowly worked on the street, just turning circles, not getting anywhere, and she slowly got used to it - I just had to realize she can't just be pointed and aimed up the trail and expected to be a seasoned trail horse when she's still just learning and wanting to figure out the rider/horse connection. She's going to test everything, and wait to see who emerges as the leader.

I am learning today, as I drove her on long lines in the driveway, that it's actually an illusion that riding or driving is mellow and easy. You are always in contact with the horse's mouth, and you can't let the reins slack because then the horse is actually just floating out ahead with no leader. No matter where you're standing or walking as the rider/driver, you have to have contact and be the gentle but firm leader. A horse needs a leader. Later on, when we have a pretty solid connection, and she's a seasoned trail horse, then we can have moments of daydreaming and she'll know who's in charge. But I can't slack off now in the formulative years/days.

So thirty days is not enough it is just the beginning. But it's better than no days.

On the way home from our short ride we kept turning and bending, stopping and starting and turning and getting her used to listening to me no matter if that squirrel over there looks more interesting, or if going back to the barn for a nap seems like a good idea. She did improve - and the three Friends Of Maggie who keep telling me to not give up - they keep saying picture the horse you want to have, don't be afraid of every bad moment is the ACTUAL horse, the terrible horse. She's just a big doofy dog, and she's trying to learn. She likes her people.

When I got off her yesterday at the intersection by our house because one my friends stopped in her car to talk, and I was complaining about how she had turned into a gigantic piece of doo doo, we kept talking and talking and as we were talking, Maggie just stood there innocently and then slowly stepped closer to me until she was almost leaning on my shoulder, with her head hanging there like um, I don't wanna miss anything. She wants to belong.

That's why I kept going today. I'm going to focus on the idea that she will be an excellent, giving and gentle horse - just as she is now, I'll just school her in the cues I want her to follow, so she can be confident, and pliable.

And we've been calling her Agent 91 because of her brand on her butt. She's a retired spy (or is she retired?), and in the witness protection program.

Family Therapy Horse

I usually write about the Mags and her progress, and she's doing great. Katie and I took her to the park yesterday and let her run free in the arena where she rolled and I got her to walk and trot on a lunge line, by voice command. She's still not always sure what I want her to do, and she'd much rather be sitting in a big fat hammock drinking a drink with a flower in it, but she does try for me.

The biggest lesson with this horse is learning to trust that just because one stupid mean pony bucks you off and breaks your hand and costs alot in hand surgery, doesn't mean that every horse is mean. In fact, most horses are just mosey-ing along. I don't like things that break my already tenuous confidence. That pony needs a few firecrackers in her horseshoes, as payback.

I have learned that Maggie doesn't buck or rear when she gets scared, she just leaps forward for a few strides. As long as I can hang on to that, I won't fall off. She usually does that when a dog startles her by charging a fence. That seems like her only pet peeve so far. She always leaps forward but then stops, because ultimately she is extremely lazy. She has no interest in running off with me. She is really strong, though, so I have to make her very supple in the bridle for the kids, so she won't manhandle them into going her way with her strong mouth.

Otherwise, she's the most excellent family horse, and it's only been 2 1/2 mos. I figure safely by Valentine's Day, anybody could ride her. At this rate. Even Barry likes her, and doesn't mind that hay costs too much right now. She's like the family therapy horse. Each night we go on a walk in the neighborhood and all the kids get on bareback for a little ride. We talk about our day.

Couldn't have done all this work without Katie, who has helped on the ground and in the saddle. Building my confidence and also being a strong, capable adult who could be another set of hands when training. She also loves horses. Really lucky how it all worked out.

Nascar in a Dumptruck

Mags learned to trot in the last few days! She's really comfy to ride too. She is stubborn, when she wants to come home, you have to have the arms of Hercules to get her to turn the way you want (back on the trail). I took her out in the rain, and she got used to splashing trucks, walking through puddles - the noises sound differently in the rain. I also rode in a bareback pad with stirrups, and since it was cold her nice fat body kept my legs warm. (bareback is the best, but I'm too chicken to ride without stirrups yet, my leftover fear from pony-that-broke-my-hand years ago).

So now we'll work on canter, which for her is like Indy 500 fast. Like driving a dumptruck at Nascar. And we'll keep taking her on the trail and getting her used to going out. Just repetition, and positive reinforcement. And lots of hay. (I love my dumptruck horse, though. Did I tell you we passed a house on our trail where a guy was standing out front putting up Halloween decorations, and he said "That horse needs alot of exercise. She's too chunky." I just stared at him, 5'4 tops, with the gut of sumo wrestler hanging over his belt. So many things came to mind to say back to him. She's supposed to fat, dorkus. She's a draft. YOU, on the other hand. Too many quesadillas, pal, and it shows.)

Wagons Ho

Our first wagon...

Maggie the Milk Maid

Katie and I have been working with Maggie everyday. It's day 65 today, and we borrowed a driving collar and some harness pieces from my neighbor and we suited her up in all the heavy equipment, complete with bridle with blinders on. She ended up looking like a little old man horse, off to make milk deliveries in the neighborhood.

She is the most amazing horse, because not only did she let us dude her up in all this heavy stuff around her neck and on her back, she also let us tie a big fat heavy tire to some string behind her and she pulled it scraping around behind her like a man-eating tire monster in the driveway, without any fuss.

I realized the dreams of a young Amish boy by hearing the clinking of the harness as she walked, I just erased all the cement and city noises and replaced them with rolling green fields and women in the kitchens making pies in long dresses. That's how it is in my mind when I work with tubby Maggie. I sweat out there with the tons of fun horse, but I know that after work there's going to be a fresh pie in the kitchen. (Except there isn't.)

After our little tire drag exercise, we unharnessed her and then took a little trail ride up the mountain, to get her used to going out. It's only her 4th time up the mountain and she's getting used to dogs rushing the fence and barking, and cement trucks with air brakes. And I (who walked half the way, Katie and I switch halfway) saw a bug on the trail that was flailing around on his back and I righted him with my shoe cause he looked so in need. I was later repaid for this good deed by finding a eucalyptus leaf laying on the trail that was the perfect shape of a heart. (Picture of that later.)

Who says there's no treasure in them thar hills?

When I put Maggie away to eat her hay in the barn, I peeked in the hay bin to make sure she had enough and there was a perfect green egg, nestled there. Lovely, lovely surprises.

Farm life in the city.

My goal - to have an old wagon that Maggie can pull. I'm only missing one piece of harness. And the wagon.

61 Days

Rode the Mags out on the street yesterday without anybody on the ground (Katie) helping. We only went about 1 block. All she wants to do is see if she can eat every lawn along the way. So I had to steer her into the middle of the street where alas there is no grass. The challenge now is getting her focused on steering the way I need her to go, not stopping at every In and Out for a shake and some fries. (Hey wait, chocolate shake? Why aren't we stopping again?)

Cause I read a trainer that said "there's only going to be two ways of doing things, your way or your horse's way, and it always has to be your way. Cause with horses there's no 'meeting of the minds.' They want a leader."

It's been 61 days, and Maggie is rusty at steering, but better at bridling. Bridling seemed impossible about a week ago. Now she's just getting it without a fight. She turned a corner. I figure her steering gently like glass is a few weeks away too. I am very close to being able to get on and just go on up the trail, and relax.

Now I'm slowly going to borrow all my neighbor's driving equipment and teach her to drive. She does like to go out. She's an adventurer.

Also her feet have to be trimmed and her teeth might have to be floated. Since her teeth were probably never bothered with when she was on the pee line. They can get sharp and have to be filed down with this huge file. Doesn't take long for the vet, but like the DMV, it isn't a chore you love to do.

All I know is, when the kids are demanding things, or homework swallows me whole and I'm lost in a vast wasteland of Nathan's middle school experience, I slip out into the barn and there's that fat Maggie looking for a pet or a scratch or goddamn it how bout a freaking apple once in awhile?? She loves apples now. She has big quiet brown eyes and she's grateful for everything.

Mom's therapy. At the cost of hay. Love the smell of hay too, smells better than money.

7 1/2 Weeks

That old Maggie is doing great. Today, it's been 7 1/2 weeks since she came here, and today I was ground driving her out in our back driveway (me walking way behind her with long ropes up to her bridle, steering her), and she was actually kind of figuring it out, to keep walking, turning and stopping when I said. She doesn't always understand, sometimes she turns all the way around to look at me like "Hey why are you back there, all the scratching happens when you're up here by my face." But then she'll turn back around. There isn't a fast speed on this horse. Nothing is important enough to get to in a rush. I think she's Southern. I perhaps should have named her Georgia.

What I'm liking today is learning that (I keep learning this) repetition of the basic things actually works. Doing the smallest things, gently and over and over, actually gets you a compliant horse. Mostly. I should try this in other areas of my life. Shooting for 2%, instead of 100%. Score everytime. But for now I'm building a mellow carriage horse. Very fun.

What I also like is that when I go out to her paddock to clean up her poops (which she lines up neatly against the back wall), she comes over and stands directly behind me, like a giant shadow. I don't even hear her, she's just suddenly there, and she just waits there.

She isn't even looking for food, she'll actually leave her hay (a very big deal for her, hay's all she's got, she has no pockets) and come over to stand behind me like hey, how bout a scratch.

Love that.

Safe and Steady

Well let's see, it's been 7 weeks since we got the Mags, big fat horse in the backyard.

I've been working in the garage (cleaning it out), and sometimes we let her out to wander in the driveway - she likes to pick through boxes like she's shopping, and then go over to Moose's door and take a big poop.

I haven't had time to work with her except at night like 9 pm, I go out and saddle her up and ride for about 5 minutes in the back paddock. Just to get her used to the basics of saddling, bridling, mounting, steering and stopping. I say it's for her, but I'm figuring out that maybe it's for me. Routine and the basics, getting us used to each other, making it boring so that when we get out on the trail she knows what I want and there are the least amount of surprises, most amount of control.

Last night it seemed like she finally was understanding steering (yay!), then tonight she was more heavy at turning (boo). Last night she was worse at bridling, tonight she finally figured out what I wanted - that she didn't have to lift her head up, that nothing bad was going to happen with the bridle. My friend Nigel said, she's just not used to it, that's all. So she's not evading to be mean, she's just learning it all.

I'm going to try and do 30 days in a row under saddle so she expects to be worked with. Tonight when she wasn't steering so well from the saddle, I got down and put long lines on her and tried ground driving her, and she did really well. So she is learning - our back area is a little confined, so it's hard to manuever. It is amazing to build the horse, doing all the training. I have the little bits of time, and I'm learning her as she's learning me.

She'll do anything if you scratch all her itches - her stomach, her chest and the back of her back legs - she sticks her nose out and quivers with happiness when you scratch her.

She does like to work - when I come out at 9 I expect to see her sleeping, but she comes right over like hey, allright, bring on the molasses. I can see her pulling a cart for us, all the kids piled in back, not really getting anywhere, maybe just around the park and back. But who needs to get anywhere, it'll just be fun. But first things first, I'm still going to keep making her safe and steady.