My Barn is a Hammock

Hey, I saw a show about Amish kids that want to get out of being Amish. Basically, they're just a bunch of 8th grade educated kids that feed chickens all day and dream of wearing jeans and going to New York City. The joke is that I'd give up NYC to go and feed chickens all day and lay in the grass looking up at the wide Amish sky. I do like books, though. So Amish isn't the answer, but open land, reading, and animals (and kids) and exploring are certainly becoming important. Leave New York to the Amish. Week Three for Dewey and Waffles. I am doing everything differently than I did with Maggie. Now I feel bad that Mags had to live here all by herself. It's really better for her where she is, surrounded by her herd. I asked her to do too much. Dewey and Waffles are becoming solid as a team, and we're also starting to take them out on walks by themselves, so they get used to what they need to do, and to behave themselves. My friend Mary says its like they're your new employees, and you have to show them what to expect, what stuff they'll be doing, and then they'll enjoy the routine. Just like raising kids, I guess. Set up the track, and then make it a reliable track. And enjoy the time together. Every morning at 8:30, I get to go out and play with the horses, and it's the greatest time of day. Anxiety is starting to dissipate each time. Replaced by gratitude. And fun. We get to go out into the "wilderness" and cross water, a running stream and a sort of hidden fairy pool. It's so nice, to ride to the water. They did eat 6 bales of hay in 2 weeks. That's scary. But I'll fatten them up and then maintain them at a good weight. Hopefully I can get some people in here for riding lessons, and then buy hay with the proceeds. Or take Barry and the kids to dinner. Anyway, being out with the horses makes me want to have a pig and a tiny cow, and a duck. And better hair, that I can make into braids. I like being out with the horses because it feels like lost time, like time when I was a kid and hanging out with my Thoroughbred. It was never wasted time, it was like time just opened up and I fell in. It makes things very relaxed, my barn is a hammock. I hang everything out to dry and then I just sway there.

Good Brownies

Last Friday, I was saying goodbye to Maggie. Then I had two horse-free days. I even contemplated never getting another horse. I thought, wow, more time to clean my house. Organize. Take the kids on walks.

Monday, here comes Waffles. An 18 year old Fjord pony. Okay, we'll take her in and try her out. She can't eat much, she's like a little blonde muffin. The first hour she's here I decided she's way scary, I don't like new things, she's not right for us, what have I done.

A day later, a lady in the neighborhood tells me to come meet a 4 yr old black Thoroughbred gelding. 4 is kinda young, 4 means insane rides with difficult years ahead of desensitizing. I meet Dewey, and he looks like a movie star. I take him on a trail ride, through water, up hills, past trucks, he's like Robert Redford mellow and we just ride home with Waffles. I rode the horse directly home. All the way thinking THIS IS A TOTAL MISTAKE.

It's been two days. I've taken him on 2 trail rides with Waffles. Waffles has turned into the steadiest, readiest, sweetest pony who ever lived. Dewey is a tall drink of water who doesn't want to share his food, but otherwise, he's an amazing horse.

After ONE YEAR of Maggie, she has suddenly evaporated into these two steady and calm horses. In one week. Of course, I've had diarrhea from all the changes. I can't get off the toilet. But other than that, it's been the strangest week of my life. At one point I had so much anxiety about all the changes, it felt like someone lifted off the top of my head and was stirring up my brains. I think that was when I was on the trail through water with the horse and pony I don't know, who now live at my house.

So now I have to get a job of some sort, because I think these are our horses. Oh yeah, and then TODAY, after ALL this, a friend calls and says hey, you can have my pony, and her little cart, just keep her for free. If she'd said that A WEEK AGO, things would have been alot EASIER!! But I'm thinking we'll see how these two dudes do at our house. Waffles had nobody to play with. Dewey needed a buddy and a family. They're trained, and they're nice to everybody. It's like being handed a plate of brownies after swimming the English Channel. You deserve it, and they're good brownies.

Goodbye Old Girl

On Friday we said goodby to Maggie, now I think named Mabel. She went to live nearby in Burbank, with my friend Julie. She is so happy there. She has 70 other friends. It was like she was the last one to get to the birthday party. Her big heart just swelled up when she saw all those friends.

She especially loved seeing her old friend Ginger, who came with her from Colorado. They whinnied to each other, and kissed noses.

So now there's this ripping 1500 pound hole in my life, but I intend to fill it up with soda. Also, there's an old pony coming. We'll see how she does. And there's this neighborhood horse that might need a home.

In the meantime, we sweat from the heat, and I'm so lucky to have all this life around me.

Soup with Chopsticks

Here's what I learned after almost exactly one year of riding a green draft cross mare: there might be something YOU want out of a horse. And you can try, four days a week, for a year, and all the hours in between, in your brain when you're obsessing about how to make this horse the right horse -- but in reality, the horse will be the horse she is, and will need what she needs, and that is the fact.

The last time Mags and I went out on the trail, she bolted 3 times in a row. I could handle it. I am now used to horses exploding under me and I rode it like a swan glides across water. Maggie and I were out alone, on a trail we go on all the time.

I realized, walking home that day, when she was back to her regular, boring old self, that all this time I was shaping Maggie into my dream horse, she was trying REALLY hard to be that horse for me, she was doing things she'd never done before, she is bold and hopeful in that way. But I was so rigid in my need to shape things MY way, that I was weaker at seeing what SHE needs. She shouldn't be ridden alone. My job wouldn't have even BEEN that hard all these months, if she hadn't been ridden alone. She needs a horse to mimic. But I only had one horse, so I did what someone can do who has one horse and a crazy desire to accomplish. You ride it.

But walking back that day, I saw Maggie, the hero. She never wanted to do all those things alone. She tried to do all these things for me, and in a short amount of time. But there's no reason to do all those things by herself, with some old mom on top of her, scared, with some dream horse agenda. She should have horse friends around. When she follows along with other horses, she is happy. She's always going to be a strong horse. But she will have her people, her herd. That's what she had in North Dakota, she could count on those few months she got out to pasture with a herd of other girls, and their foals, she had that every spring.

So as of yesterday, my friend Julie has bought Maggie, and she'll get to live with her old friend Ginger, they'll be reuinited like at the end of a war, running to greet each other and Maggie will snort and say "oh my GOD, Becky, you won't believe what I've gone through." And then she'll pack on big men riders that have probably never ridden before, and she'll follow Ginger, and they'll go out with a string of horses in Griffith Park, walking, Maggie's favorite gait, and for Maggie it will be like the end of the Olympics, every day. She will be done excelling. She will bask in glory, and contentment. Riders and horse will be matched, there won't be annoying new things to worry about, and Maggie will have Julie (not the original, but still just as good) as her ultimate leader, who will keep her forever, who loves and speaks horse.

I was only taking her out once a day, and by the end of the day, Maggie was always hanging over the fence, wanting to be in the garage with us, or wanting to do something else, offering to do something else. Now she'll have 70 other horse buddies. They'll play cards, they'll have nachos, they'll take rides, they'll peek at the cute geldings. The outcome of things - it's kind of meaningless, isn't it. When you get to the end, it isn't what you think. It kind of peters out, and then there's usually an abandoned taco stand, and you're thirsty. I guess all the meaty parts are the getting there. But we don't always notice because we're so busy in all the emotion and joy and terror and noise, but we do feel the current, and we ride it without knowing it, it's all a hurled snowball, love and living.

Am I done with horses? (As James Herriott would say, "It's always okay to get another dog.") In Maggie Aftermath, a lady I met yesterday has an old Fjord mare, short, thick and very experienced, who used to do what Maggie's about to start doing, take people on rides through Malibu on a rental string. Lilly can walk the pony all by herself, and I can ride the pony because she's sturdy like Maggie, just shorter. If we want, we can borrow this pony to see how she is at our house. Instead of having to try and force Maggie's size, bulk and inexperience into what we're looking for, there may already be a horse waiting, who's all chocked full of what we need, and lonely. Maggie can be Maggie. And this pony, who knows if she's right, but maybe she'll be a horse the entire neighborhood of kids can climb on right now and gain confidence.

So you CAN try and force things to be what you want. I spent most of my life doing that, and it leaves some spikey, angry residue in your skin. I did succeed with Maggie about 89%. She became what I wanted in lots of ways. But it took a ton of energy, and in the end, Maggie would have been just as happy having no person, and being one amongst many like her friend Ginger did - Ginger just went directly to work. They both came from Colorado on the same trailer. I'm guessing Maggie would have become the exact same horse she is today even if I had never met her. That's what's ridiculous about forcing something. You can choose it, but maybe leaping in with a full heart is better, and knowing when to stop. When it's not the right direction to swim. Stop fighting. Swim downstream. Find someone swimming your way.

I like thinking that it was all me that made her, but in reality, I was making myself nuts. Stretching to the point of breaking - not fun, although one of the perks is becoming a better rider and learning a ton about horses. But I also saw my limits, and went too far past them for too long. That part made me feel anxious, and angry. Maybe how Maggie feels when her limits are tested.

I thought when Maggie came that she was the end of a search. I got her because I only had $400 and I loved drafts because Clyde, the carriage horse, was the most amazing horse I had ever ridden or driven. He was Buddha. Maggie had his body type, but she also had a streak of wild. I never could totally cure that piece, working alone. I tried really hard, but it was like trying to eat soup with chopsticks. I could be alot of things, but I couldn't be me AND OTHER HORSES. As versatile as I am. I lost my sense of humor for awhile. I tripped over it, it was leaking out my pants. After this Maggie year, I did learn what WOULD be good for me: one really safe, gentle, experienced old horse that is good for the kids to start on. A borrowed horse is great. And one regular trail horse, that will do what I ask, including sometimes moving faster, and is safe. Riding together, kids and me. Sometimes alone, but together is good.

Not trying to change to Maggie anymore will be a great relief. Knowing that she is going to a place where she is welcomed and used happily, exactly as she is, is a great relief. Knowing I will get to enjoy her and bring her carrots, is a happy thought. Not having to DO it all, after doing it all, and comically, no one asked me to do it all, I just DID, (as my dad will understand) - a pretty great lesson to learn. Find what you need. It's probably already there. You don't have to work that hard. You just have to find the right path, and gauge how much energy you have. You don't have to kill yourself to get there.

It can even be funny.

Large Barge

I wasn't going to post in here after last Tuesday, because Maggie acted crazy on the trail, bolting 3 short bolts all in a row, her worst ever, she gave me a rope burn on my finger and I had her bags packed, and forget it, goodbye.

I ignored her for two days, and then I started to crack, and talk about it. How it is hard to train something that weighs 1600 pds. How maybe I shouldn't be going out alone like some idiot, on a horse that is still learning. I should ride where there are people and it's safe, and I should ride with a horse buddy when I want to try new territory.

Mostly, I should realize that Maggie can be annoying and want her own way, but mostly Maggie is just big. And she can be powerful. And her brain is the size of a walnut. I've dated people like her. I certainly wouldn't let her drive my car.

But it's not about the walnut brain, it's the instinct thing. She is always going to want to be, apparently, 3 feet away from danger at all times. And if danger is lurking, she will move those three feet away REALLY fast. Then she'll act like she never went anywhere. She will in fact look annoyed at me, that I didn't see the danger first and WARN her. (Sprinklers on top of hills are HIGHLY DANGEROUS. They can go off at ANY TIME.)

So I'm looking into having a buddy for Maggie. And also just riding with the local freaks I mean ladies in my neighborhood. It does make for a rich human tapestry, and fun things to talk about at birthday parties.

Of course she's been excellent ever since. A one ton angel. Funny, and with a butt the size of Rhode Island. (I think I've dated that too.) The trainer came and worked with us this morning, and I tried an Australian saddle, and had the first mini-riding lesson I've had since I was ten. It was great. I am learning to lengthen my leg, and ride kind of long and mermaid-ish, floating with chest out and legs behind, like those carvings on the front of a ship. Makes a strong center core, and I'm pretty sure it makes you taller. All I know is I've never stretched the front of my legs before, because my body was kind of laughing at me when I tried to ride the way she taught me. Should be fun to keep trying. I'm all for humor and things that seem impossible.

And from the ground, I could watch the trainer on Maggie, and see how Maggie might resist going forward, but only because going forward takes alot of effort. She isn't a mean horse, she's like the fat kid who's looking for an ice cream cone and someone has put him on the track team instead. She's disappointed there's all this work and not enough snacks. Funny to watch, especially when she gives up fighting and just sighs and does what we ask. (Then she gets carrots. And she gets to walk.) Working through that resistance. Not taking it seriously. It's a pretty good life for a barge.