Squirrels with their tiny doll hands.
Squirrels think they're so smart because they can flick those puffy tails.
They lock eyes with me in my mind. They are getting those eggs. Those are my eggs. Go eat nuts or whatever else you eat.
Lay off my eggs. Ha, get it. LAY OFF
I'm in a battle. 24 hens, and only two eggs yesterday. They took advantage of me, because I was working and couldn't guard the henhouse.
I'm here today. There will be explosives.
Watch your asses, squirrels. Me against squirrel nation.
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Sunday, October 15, 2017
At the Speed of Maggie
Maggie the new horse is reliable as crap, which is amazing since she's only 5 and we've only had her 10 mos. But she's a worker, she just walks right into anything you point her toward, she's ready to explore. That's why today was surprising.
Today we were heading back through the woods after going through the water, and when you turn her to go back she does turn slightly into a 5 year old horse, with more speed and a yippee attitude. I was ponying Dewey behind us and we were on the sort of bushy woods part of the trail and I don't know if she got poked in the stomach by a stick or if Dewey bumped her too much from behind all I know is one minute she was walking along and the next minute we were rocketing forward at the speed of light. The world, when surprised and on horseback at suddenly high speed, is a carnival ride. Time blurs upwards, and everything feels like it's upside down. I lost Dewey's rope, because we were hurtling forward and all I thought was what's going on, oh crap, Dewey is going to come zooming behind us, I will be in a steeplechase. I also thought hey Maggie has a really smooth canter. I also thought shit how do I stop this thing.
All this happened in about 3 or 4 strides of her running. Then I got her stopped (always a miracle, especially if you're still on top of the horse). And I looked back and there was Dewey just standing in the bushes where his rope dropped. Relaxed. The perfect gentleman.
I don't know why horses have to be idiotic, they just are. I got off Mags and got on Dewey since it was time to switch, riding back home. Maggie was fine and silly the rest of the ride home. She likes to bite at Dewey when we're going down hill so I spent a lot of time trying to hit her in the face when she tried to nip. But even that is business as usual.
On the way back in I saw Lisa my trail buddy and we held our arms over our heads in victory at seeing each other on the trail. The universal Life Is So Good on Horses greeting. I also saw our preschool neighbor friends, even though our kids are all more than 10 years past preschool. It's a good way to see the neighborhood, nothing but happiness comes when you ride by on a horse.
I figure I've done about 280 rides on Maggie in 10 mos. She's had about 3 times she's done something idiotic. So she gets to be 5 years old sometimes. Pretty good odds.
Today we were heading back through the woods after going through the water, and when you turn her to go back she does turn slightly into a 5 year old horse, with more speed and a yippee attitude. I was ponying Dewey behind us and we were on the sort of bushy woods part of the trail and I don't know if she got poked in the stomach by a stick or if Dewey bumped her too much from behind all I know is one minute she was walking along and the next minute we were rocketing forward at the speed of light. The world, when surprised and on horseback at suddenly high speed, is a carnival ride. Time blurs upwards, and everything feels like it's upside down. I lost Dewey's rope, because we were hurtling forward and all I thought was what's going on, oh crap, Dewey is going to come zooming behind us, I will be in a steeplechase. I also thought hey Maggie has a really smooth canter. I also thought shit how do I stop this thing.
All this happened in about 3 or 4 strides of her running. Then I got her stopped (always a miracle, especially if you're still on top of the horse). And I looked back and there was Dewey just standing in the bushes where his rope dropped. Relaxed. The perfect gentleman.
I don't know why horses have to be idiotic, they just are. I got off Mags and got on Dewey since it was time to switch, riding back home. Maggie was fine and silly the rest of the ride home. She likes to bite at Dewey when we're going down hill so I spent a lot of time trying to hit her in the face when she tried to nip. But even that is business as usual.
On the way back in I saw Lisa my trail buddy and we held our arms over our heads in victory at seeing each other on the trail. The universal Life Is So Good on Horses greeting. I also saw our preschool neighbor friends, even though our kids are all more than 10 years past preschool. It's a good way to see the neighborhood, nothing but happiness comes when you ride by on a horse.
I figure I've done about 280 rides on Maggie in 10 mos. She's had about 3 times she's done something idiotic. So she gets to be 5 years old sometimes. Pretty good odds.
Monday, October 2, 2017
The Horses Lead Us to Everything
The horses lead us to everything.
They lead us to the new girl who is renting the guest house next door. She came to ride and fell in love with the magical forest we rode in.
Now she lives next door, and takes long walks with our older son, in the twilight, like it's the 1880's, and they're a young couple.
They lead us to the water, where all the troubles are dumped out and washed downstream. I come back from the trail, cleaned out and ready for more.
They lead us to the new girl who is renting the guest house next door. She came to ride and fell in love with the magical forest we rode in.
Now she lives next door, and takes long walks with our older son, in the twilight, like it's the 1880's, and they're a young couple.
They lead us to the water, where all the troubles are dumped out and washed downstream. I come back from the trail, cleaned out and ready for more.
Monday, August 14, 2017
Farmland and French Fries
Today was the last day of summer even though it's only August 14th and some idiot thinks that's now the beginning of fall.
I took Bess and Becky to the beach, the only willing volunteers. Bess is a beginner surfing maniac, and it turns out when you take Becky the dog and both get in the water, she is a surfing maniac too. Not to be left on the beach, she charged right in with us and swam and attempted to surf. Which meant I had to stay in the pretty shallow water until she got tired out so she didn't drown in her enthusiasm to not be left behind.
Seeing the dog tossed about, and leaping over waves, and seeing the 10 year old almost fifth grader managing the surfboard that is feet longer than she is, in her mini wetsuit, with her long California blonde hair and summer tan - and the ocean herself, washing machine tumultuous, full of sand and freezing and churning us up - this was our last grasp of summer. We played knowing there was frozen yogurt directly afterward, our tradition. French fries and farmland waiting as we drove home, our tradition. Swimming and hair washing and the long night before school ahead.
I'm not sorry I spent the summer with my babies, the tall and the short, the four leggeds and the furry. I got to see them sprout surfer's legs, I got to wrestle through the heat and the boredom of long days. The real reason for summer is to give your mind that long stretch off, to think nothing, to find other things to do, books to read, skies to watch, cousins to sift through, water to float on and contemplate your life.
This is as important as AP classes. It may in fact be the Real World. The fertile soil and the tan skin and the French fries on the way home.
I took Bess and Becky to the beach, the only willing volunteers. Bess is a beginner surfing maniac, and it turns out when you take Becky the dog and both get in the water, she is a surfing maniac too. Not to be left on the beach, she charged right in with us and swam and attempted to surf. Which meant I had to stay in the pretty shallow water until she got tired out so she didn't drown in her enthusiasm to not be left behind.
Seeing the dog tossed about, and leaping over waves, and seeing the 10 year old almost fifth grader managing the surfboard that is feet longer than she is, in her mini wetsuit, with her long California blonde hair and summer tan - and the ocean herself, washing machine tumultuous, full of sand and freezing and churning us up - this was our last grasp of summer. We played knowing there was frozen yogurt directly afterward, our tradition. French fries and farmland waiting as we drove home, our tradition. Swimming and hair washing and the long night before school ahead.
I'm not sorry I spent the summer with my babies, the tall and the short, the four leggeds and the furry. I got to see them sprout surfer's legs, I got to wrestle through the heat and the boredom of long days. The real reason for summer is to give your mind that long stretch off, to think nothing, to find other things to do, books to read, skies to watch, cousins to sift through, water to float on and contemplate your life.
This is as important as AP classes. It may in fact be the Real World. The fertile soil and the tan skin and the French fries on the way home.
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
No More Fat Chicks
So a fat lady rode my horse and now he's limping. She wasn't fat really, just she must have had bones the size of those big round poster tubes. If I had ten more of her I could have a killer football team. I have no idea how many guys are on a football team. She was a hard cardboard poster limbed giant, 5'11 (which I used to be til I shrank to the shrimp boat 5'10 that I am and my six foot son looks down on me. In every way.) But wait back to the lumbering giant.
I kind knew we weren't perfect for each other because on her website she makes candles and she quoted some bible verse from the Cornelius or the corndogs or something. Homemade candle making church giant. But she had $35 dollars and she wanted to come give it to me, she was in fact kind of insisting and I was just gonna take my horse over to the arena anyway, might as well get paid to do what I do for free.
I had in the back of my mind this thought: your horse will be flattened. Your round stomached, pin legged horse who is built for racetracks and tiny baby chick sized men in the Kentucky Derby is not going to like to heft around God's chosen heavyweight. But $35 dollars kept sounding so good, and it was hot and I was tired. And I like to meet these weird horse people who hand me money and then entertain me with their psychosis while the horses and I just listen and walk our dusty trails just the same.
This month so far it's been Courtney, who's finishing up at USC and has flossed her mind into a nice, sanitary situation where there is no original thought. But at least she weighed like nothing. And then there was Andi whom I liked because she told me about thru_rider on Instagram who is a badass girl riding the PCT trail alone with two horses up to Canada from Arizona. But Andi never came back, andi, why? She was too smart for me. Then there's Amelia, a tiny Australian with a bawdy sense of humor who likes to knock back a few and sells pet medication out of her car. Amelia and I are the shit. She's come three times in a row.
But I got this huge mom on Dewey, and she had no idea what she was doing, but I did what I do best, which is pretend she was the best rider ever. Because really, when people get on my big horse, they relax, and slow down, and that's what I'm here for. To spread that Dewey peace.
It was dark when we got all untacked and done, but the money was in my pocket, and my kids are expensive so that helps. It feels good to get paid for something that feeds your heart. But then this morning there is Dewey holding his foot carefully out like he's been speared, and giving me the tired eye like 35 dollars? Really Jule?
I will respect my meaty horse with the delicate ankles of a 9 year old figure skater. No more fat chicks.
I kind knew we weren't perfect for each other because on her website she makes candles and she quoted some bible verse from the Cornelius or the corndogs or something. Homemade candle making church giant. But she had $35 dollars and she wanted to come give it to me, she was in fact kind of insisting and I was just gonna take my horse over to the arena anyway, might as well get paid to do what I do for free.
I had in the back of my mind this thought: your horse will be flattened. Your round stomached, pin legged horse who is built for racetracks and tiny baby chick sized men in the Kentucky Derby is not going to like to heft around God's chosen heavyweight. But $35 dollars kept sounding so good, and it was hot and I was tired. And I like to meet these weird horse people who hand me money and then entertain me with their psychosis while the horses and I just listen and walk our dusty trails just the same.
This month so far it's been Courtney, who's finishing up at USC and has flossed her mind into a nice, sanitary situation where there is no original thought. But at least she weighed like nothing. And then there was Andi whom I liked because she told me about thru_rider on Instagram who is a badass girl riding the PCT trail alone with two horses up to Canada from Arizona. But Andi never came back, andi, why? She was too smart for me. Then there's Amelia, a tiny Australian with a bawdy sense of humor who likes to knock back a few and sells pet medication out of her car. Amelia and I are the shit. She's come three times in a row.
But I got this huge mom on Dewey, and she had no idea what she was doing, but I did what I do best, which is pretend she was the best rider ever. Because really, when people get on my big horse, they relax, and slow down, and that's what I'm here for. To spread that Dewey peace.
It was dark when we got all untacked and done, but the money was in my pocket, and my kids are expensive so that helps. It feels good to get paid for something that feeds your heart. But then this morning there is Dewey holding his foot carefully out like he's been speared, and giving me the tired eye like 35 dollars? Really Jule?
I will respect my meaty horse with the delicate ankles of a 9 year old figure skater. No more fat chicks.
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Me Napped
Maybe when the sheep left he blew a hole in my perfect world. Things are less busy, sheep wise, and more busy, busy-wise.
Teaching and arranging and conducting in class and after class. Large teenagers striding around, helping keep the house running. We have mighty house, and staff is required. I think they are looking forward to getting out, because that's part of it, isn't it, growing up, wanting to run your own life and stay on your computer or phone as long as you want. I guess you know you're doing it right if your kids are looking forward to all the things they get to unwrap in their upcoming lives.
I can't look at too much of it without a magnifying glass, but where is my heart in all this. Parts of it are huge and overused and parts of it are shrunken and weak. Some of us are just standing around in there wondering when the fire was.
I'm rushing around in my life because I don't understand where all of this is going. Why is it going, and where do I fit?
With the horses I understand. There are steps, and elementary education is happening, and they are simple and furry, and dopey and genuine. Also huge and I must be a lion at times to be heard and understood. I guess not that different from my real human life.
When I finish a book like I just did, and send it to the agent then there's this gap and I try not to fall down. I start looking around and avoiding writing the next thing. I go and see old friends and they make me remember who I am and I miss her, even though I am in her.
My life has run away with me.
Teaching and arranging and conducting in class and after class. Large teenagers striding around, helping keep the house running. We have mighty house, and staff is required. I think they are looking forward to getting out, because that's part of it, isn't it, growing up, wanting to run your own life and stay on your computer or phone as long as you want. I guess you know you're doing it right if your kids are looking forward to all the things they get to unwrap in their upcoming lives.
I can't look at too much of it without a magnifying glass, but where is my heart in all this. Parts of it are huge and overused and parts of it are shrunken and weak. Some of us are just standing around in there wondering when the fire was.
I'm rushing around in my life because I don't understand where all of this is going. Why is it going, and where do I fit?
With the horses I understand. There are steps, and elementary education is happening, and they are simple and furry, and dopey and genuine. Also huge and I must be a lion at times to be heard and understood. I guess not that different from my real human life.
When I finish a book like I just did, and send it to the agent then there's this gap and I try not to fall down. I start looking around and avoiding writing the next thing. I go and see old friends and they make me remember who I am and I miss her, even though I am in her.
My life has run away with me.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
One Sheep to the Wind
Well our old buddy Travis went to live with a lonely donkey. Is there really any more to say?
He has two acres of weeds to get started on, so I'm sure he's hitching up his (wool) pants and getting directly to work.
Dewey called to him when we walked him to the guy's car, and hefted him up inside the back seat of the station wagon. Travis did not look back. He was very happy with the cheerios and the hay I had put in there for him.
I was subbing with a class later, and kept staring into space, hearing Dewey calling to him and feeling his heart breaking into a million pieces.
Dewey loved Travis from the minute he came home. A gentle big brother, always sharing all the hay. Travis loved Dewey too. They kept each other good company until he got Maggie. So now Travis was free to take his friendship skills to the next lonelyheart.
Also he had to go because he had started butting people when he wasn't getting his way. A sheep's skull is a serious weapon, dude. Especially when aimed at the human nut area.
I used to complain at him everyday for busting into the barn when I'd open the door, or just being a general busybody. Now the barn is quiet and smaller without him. But it's not bad, it's just different. I'm glad he has his weeds, and he's got a new friend and a family that will love him, and the space to be a sheep. Grazing all day.
When you make the heart of a horse eased by your fluff and your weaving through his legs, you have done a loving thing, Travis. For being there. You gave Dewey a year, and he is grateful and changed because of you.
He has two acres of weeds to get started on, so I'm sure he's hitching up his (wool) pants and getting directly to work.
Dewey called to him when we walked him to the guy's car, and hefted him up inside the back seat of the station wagon. Travis did not look back. He was very happy with the cheerios and the hay I had put in there for him.
I was subbing with a class later, and kept staring into space, hearing Dewey calling to him and feeling his heart breaking into a million pieces.
Dewey loved Travis from the minute he came home. A gentle big brother, always sharing all the hay. Travis loved Dewey too. They kept each other good company until he got Maggie. So now Travis was free to take his friendship skills to the next lonelyheart.
Also he had to go because he had started butting people when he wasn't getting his way. A sheep's skull is a serious weapon, dude. Especially when aimed at the human nut area.
I used to complain at him everyday for busting into the barn when I'd open the door, or just being a general busybody. Now the barn is quiet and smaller without him. But it's not bad, it's just different. I'm glad he has his weeds, and he's got a new friend and a family that will love him, and the space to be a sheep. Grazing all day.
When you make the heart of a horse eased by your fluff and your weaving through his legs, you have done a loving thing, Travis. For being there. You gave Dewey a year, and he is grateful and changed because of you.
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